The Oracle

I'm a terrible human being, I promised myself that as soon as the winter of my discontent had ceased, that I would go back to the library and read some new books.

I'm a liar and phony. I went to Barnes & (Ig)Noble & purchased books....including one I've read before.

As some of you may know, I adore Diablo Cody & rumours have been a-flying that she's working on a new screenplay for The Sweet Valley High series. As luck or major coincidence would have it, there it sat in all it's lurid pink glory.....the 1st 3 books of the Sweet Valley series in one delicious tome.

My cousin and I (I'm a year and a half older than her & had that ferocious sisterly competitive thang) were OBSESSED w/ the Wakefield twins. OBSESSED! Of course, we aligned ourselves w/ Jessica, the more glamourous twin. Liz was such a fuddy duddy. I wanted their perfect lives.

Of course, when I was actually in high school, a metal loving weirdo nerdy misanthrope, I stopped reading any YA novels that were about "real" high school life. Good bye, twins!

I am also, at this time, reliving my 7th grade literary history & Sweet Valley has reared it's perfect size 6 head into my psyche again.

Oh my geezers, y'all! What horrible drivel! Francine Pascal is a terrible writer! The first few books in series were written in the early 80's and I must say some of the references are very very very dated. And also, why did I never notice that Jessica is a manipulative little bitch? And Elizabeth is a pious passive aggressive wanker.

Some snarkers on the boards have complained about inconsistencies in the stories, I have recently found out many of the books were actually ghost written. Pascal gets the full fuck you finger!

The real problem for me is the abhorrent treatment of over weight girls, the twins are always the "perfect" size six. She's 10 lbs heavier than me, ewww! She'd look so pretty if she went on a diet. Gag me w/ a spoon!

You can read me more of these similarly awesome criticisms at http://thedairiburger.com/its-always-sunny-in-sweet-valley/. It's an awesome site, check it out!

There's a Fly in my Soup

I'm an avid reader. I taught myself to read at age 5. I am never without a book.

And now that we've bought a house, we've incurred many more expenses than my book leisure fund will allow me (we just replaced the hot water heater w/ a tankless system. CASHOLA!) So, I've banished myself to the local library. Now w/ 50% less drunken homeless people! And there's a cop there. I might have to go to the nicer suburban library but they don't have a cupcake bus there.

Anyways, I'm rambling...... I picked up a book called "The Recipe Club". I didn't really look inside the jacket. I assumed it was non-fiction. WRONG! OK then, it's probably a compelling story about food and friendship. WRONG! It was a poorly written collaborative piece between 2 awful awful writers w/ badly drawn derivative stock characters and their asinine problems w/ a few recipes thrown in. I swear, a 10 year old could have done a better job.

Please stay away from "The Recipe Club" by Nancy Garfinkel & Andrea Israel. If you want good food fiction, check out "Like Water for Chocolate".

Off to re-read a Tom Perrotta novel.....

The Tools of my Future

To refresh the memories of my loyal readers (29 of you!), I went to a small Catholic school from pre-kindergarten to 8th grade. To escape the pain and awkwardness of youth, I escaped into YA fiction. I dreamed of how awesome high school would be, friends, acceptance, hot make out sessions w/ a groovy New Wave guy. Alas, it was not to be and here's the reasons why.

1. Though to be fair, this doesn't really count, as I didn't like this book when I read it in 1987. So, there was a series of books about a set of twins, I can't remember the title or the author. But one of twins was named Susan, which really tickled me because I rarely read anything where the main character had the same name as me. Anyways, the twins did all kinds of fun little twin tricks and it was all so saccharine and twee. I would read the stupid book just to piss myself off!


2. Now heres where the blame really lies, "The Girls of Canby Hall". A series of books about 3 chicks at a posh boarding school learning, living and loving. They all had bouncy hair and liked their parents. Plus, there was lots of talk about Doc Martens. No cuss words but there was a fair amount of plots devoted to loneliness and trying to fit in. And Doc Martens!


3. The woman, the myth, the legend: NORMA KLEIN. I still read Norma Klein. Norma Klein was part voyeur, part journalist, part awesome aunt that you just got you. Norma introduced me to the word "fuckingly". FUCKINGLY! Does it get any better? Oh wait! It does. Masturbation, drug use, the real realities of sex. All the characters seemed put together and multi-faceted. As an adult,I find her characters were primarily privileged white chicks living on the upper east side of Manhattan. I mean, who else wears Dior underpants? I don't and I'm 34. But still so awesome!

All this culminates in me being strikingly unprepared for public high school. I had to wait until college for friends, acceptance and hot make out sessions.

Chick Lit, EEWWWWWWW!!!!!

Part of my growth as an unpaid writer has been inspired in a large part by authors that I adore, specifically Melissa Banks and Curtis Sittenfeld. Two very different and 50 kinds of awesome writers who tell unconventional stories with grace and power. I get steam coming out of my ears when people praise scholockyness of so-called greats like Jennifer Wiener and Jodi Piccoult. Ugh! Talk about trite, unrealistic nonsense! Fie on chick lit and it's one dimensional bullshit!

I remember when "The Girl's Guide to Hunting & Fishing" was published in 1998, the year I graduated from college. I gave it to my sister-in-law for her birthday that year. When I inquired if she enjoyed it, she said "It was really different." 10 years later, I finally picked up the damn thing and was totally blown away. The protagonist, Jane, is a stellar example of woman trying and failing and triumphing over the modern day foibles in NYC. Banks followed the monster hit of "Girl's" w/ "The Wonder Spot". Both books begin the same way, pubescent girl getting a peek at the complexities of life and love and follows the trajectory of their lives. My only complaint is that of Sophie, the main character, of "The Wonder Spot". She isn't very sympathetic but I've grown to understand her. And that's a mark of awesome book, thinking of the characters as real people.

Conversely, when my birthday rolled around this past October 21st (hint hint), I was not super psyched to read the novel that my sister-in-law gave to me. "The Man of my Dreams" sounded like a gigantic piece of shit. Boy, was I wrong! The story was compelling and sad and amazing. I hunted out Sittenfeld's other works, "Prep" and "American Wife". "Prep" and "Man" are similar in that the protagonist is a minor character in the story of her life. "American Wife" is a fictionalized account of the life of Laura Bush. Wow! Why didn't I think of something like that?

I urge each and everyone of you, go to Barnes & (Ig)Noble, your libraries, www.half.com, what have and get yr hands on the works of these extraordinary authors.

White Like Me

My 33rd birthday was a few weeks ago (Oct. 21st to be exact) and it was kinda sucky day in general but one of the precious highlights was a present from my middle brother. I am now in possession of the hilarious novel "Stuff White People like". In this lovely piece of literature, it enumerates the pretentiousness of my culture. And at the end you can take a quiz to figure out mathematically how white you are.

Myself? I am middle o' the road whitey. I am passionate about glasses and organic foods, indie music and movies and most importantly, brunch. However, I have tendencies to become the wrong kind of white person because of my love for comedian Dane Cook and my prized "Gettin' Lucky in Kentucky" T-shirt.

And of course you can check out the website for constant updates and trends about our race at http://www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com I will be dedicating one post per week about my whiteness. Stay tuned.....