Shady Lady

I did not watch the Top Model finale because it looked like it was going to be a mess......AND boy was I right!

Angelea was mysteriously disqualified. Lisa was re-crowned the winner. Why? She photographs 50.....blergh!

Allison Allison Allison, always the bridesmaid never the bride! Why? Oh why? She's gorgeous, she has a unique look and she's able to use multisyllabic words in a sentence.

Farewell, Top Model, until March.

So so Wrong

Top Model is a train wreck and I gawking at the carnage.

I can barely recap this dreck!

*sigh* The four remaining hamsters had to write a travel blog for vogue.it. Allison is clearly the most articulate & a free lance writer BUT was deemed to "high flautin'". BLERGH! Angelea won the challenge because she went to the Greek ghetto. Oh, the tourism board of Greece must be loving this!

For the photo shoot, Tyra(nt) directed a pseudo artsy bullshit video. THE WORST!

Laura's country charm finally wore then and she was sent a-packing.

I want Allison to win but it will most likely be a horse race between old lady Lisa and drag queen Angelea

Haters be Hatin'

Confounded by Top Model for it's lack of consistency...yet again!

Miss J, walking coach extraordinaire, decided to be a shit mixer and had the hamsters critique each other's walks & portfolios. Lisa & Angelea gave everybody the stank eye, Dominque was being a stealth bitch under the guise of "I see so much of myself in you!" and Laura & Allison trying to be the nice guys. But as it turns out in a blind survey the majority voted that Allison has the least model potential (read: BIG threat) while Laura has the most (read: no real competition)

For the photo shoot, the hamsters had to pose in modern couture in the style of ancient Greek games. Angelea did not know what a shot put or "pit shot" was.....seriously? There was no track & field at yr high school in the 617? Laura & her archery gear won best photo. I'm going to agree because she has been looking busted lately but her veiled hat thing looked fantastic. And going home was Dominque. What the what? Over Angelea? Why? Dominque is gorgeous & takes photos & has a fantastic runway walk. She's a little long in the tooth but way way way cuter Angelea & her bad acne & drag queen personae.

Recap will be back in two weeks!

Zorba the Geek

Top Model recap time!

The hamsters are in Greece, hey, maybe they could solve their financial crisis!

For the challenge, the hamsters had to give a 2 minute speech about themselves to the Greek "press" (read bored Grecians that wanted to be on TV) AND they had to incorporate Greek phrases and mention something from Greek mythology. The winner won a neato gold wrist cuff. Some of them came off as inarticulate, Angelea talked about taking a leak and the winner was my sweet sexy alien Allison.

For the photo shoot, the hamsters had to pose in underwear (which was actually very cute, SHOCKING!) and lay in a gigantic bowl of Greek salad. Ugh! Isn't "Greek" salad an American invention? This was so fucking degrading. Of course, Shannon the 1000 year old corpse refused to do the shoot because it's against her principles to pose in underwear. For cereal, that underwear set looked like swimwear. Plus, Shannon has worn more provocative outfits than bathing suit looking underwear....sooooo....what the fuck? Winning photo went to Dominique, thankfully Allison came in second. And packing it up was Shannon, yawn.

Melt downs galore next week!

Stop the Insanity!

Top Model recap time!

I am still lamenting the loss of Kayla......damn you, Tyra(nt)!

This was the single most painful episode of Top Model since Tyra(nt) put out "Shake ya Booty"! The hamsters were forced to write a song, record said song & then make it into a video. Awful awful stuff! My eyes and ears are still recovering!

Allison was the best of the worst.....she's fucking adorable and if she doesn't win, I may put my foot through the TV. Packing it up was Alexandria....FINALLY!

Next week: Greece

Everybody Needs a Gimmick

Top Model recap time!

Hamsters had to create their own signature fragrance. Because nothing says legitimate model like stinky perfume in a tacky bottle! The hamsters then had to promote their stank at a "gala" while splish splashing in a bathtub. I think this was ridiculous & humiliating idea & so did Bianca because she refused to get in her tub. I couldn't get behind her though as she kept comparing herself to Beyonce and other A-listers. Bianca, get over yrself! Yr not even remotely in the same league as Ms. Knowles. And lookie look! It's Cycle 3 winner Eva (Pigford) Marcille. Don't know why she's going by Marcille now but she looks wicked cute w/ white blonde hair. And winning over the crowd and immunity from elimination was Lisa.

For the photo shoot, the hamsters had to portray either Snookie from "Jersey Shore" or Nene from Stupid Fake Whore Housewives while pretending to ride a motorcycle. Hey, I remember the motorcycle shoot from Cycle 3 while the hamsters were in full harajuku regalia....good times! And a much more awesome shoot to boot. Winning photo went to Nene Lisa, she actually looked pretty. Going home was Bianca because she sucks and Kayla.....KAYLA! I call shenanigans. Shannon should have gotten the boot in her old boring ass. My poor, sweet Kayla!

Next week: more shitty acting!

Kitten Fight

Top Model insanity time!

For the Challenge, the hamsters were divided into 2 teams for a game of flag football & there was some familiar faces on the teams......they brought back the ousted hamsters to play and be further humiliated. Lisa got a lot of elbows to her face, not an improvement. Flags were thrown & the hamsters had to pose. Kayla had the best posings & won some blahblahblah who cares?

For the Photo Shoot, the hamsters posed in duos w/ amazing alien bad ass model Coco Rocha in a three way wrestling battling match. Angelea had a mental breakdown during the shoot. I wish she left! Bre kept screeching at the top of her lungs which annoyed the piss out of Coco. Bre, please don't disturb the talent. Photo of the week went to Dominque & I got to be honest, I'm all kinds of loving her this season. Good job, pretty lady! And getting da boot was Bre. Looking back at Bre's photos, I agree w/ this decision. She's pretty fucking awful....but at least she has cute hair. Wish that it had been a double elimination because Alexandria is stinking up the joint!

Visual Atrocities

Oh Top Model yr so awful for me!

We started off w/ some major stupidity over simple math. Lisa got very screechy w/ Bianca, completely unnecessary tension ensued for the rest of the episode. Hamsters, yr both idiots! Lisa, you got yr knickers in a twist over nothing. Bianca, don't act like yr too good for this show because you came BACK to the reality show cesspool.

For the challenge, the hamsters did a runway show for the Kardashians' new collection for Sears. There are so many things wrong w/ that last sentence. First of all, I don't believe for one second that the Kardashians designed one stitch of those tacky, ugly, leopard print, limp dick looking floppy bow shirts. The hamsters had to walk onto to a quickly rotating carousel & not try to fly into traffic while stepping back onto the runway. Lisa & Bre won the entire ugly ass collection for having the "best" walks.

For the photoshoot, the hamsters were greeted by LaToya Jackson. Secretly, LaToya is my favourite Jackson! She's just so weird & spacey but really charming & sweet. The hamsters all posed as various incarnations of the self-proclaimed King of Pop. It was weird &.....weird. LaToya also chose best picture of the week which went to Laura. Ugh. Not so much. And packing it up was no one! That's right, Lisa, the hyper kinetic jack ass & drag queen Angelea got to stick around for another week. Despite, the fact they both looked just awful. Poor Allison, my sweet little alien. She was in black face basically & kinda looked like a Fat Albert character.

Express Yrself

Top Model Recap time!

Medical emergency for Kayla, puking, hyperventilating, & pain. And I just fell in love w/ Allison a little more as she gave the camera "We're not fucking around here!" look. Diagnosis: cardiac arrhythmia.

Then there was an awful awful acting challenge cage match for a bit part on CIS: Las Vegas. 90% of them fucked up their lines & pronunciation of medical jargon. It all came down to boring & 3rd person referencing Anglea and surprisingly dynamic Bre. And thankfully Bre won the part or Anglea would have been even more insufferable.

For the photo shoot, the hamsters showed off the new fall collection from Express. Man oh man, what a crap collection. Each hamster picked a personae to portray : Girlfriend, Cool Girl, Socialite, Flirt. Seriously?! Who's doing their ad campaign? Why must women be reduced to such outdated chauvinist terms? Blech! Winning photo went to Angelea's socialite. I disagree, she looks so hard & old in her photos. And speaking of hard & old, Camille was sent home. She never had a shot. 33 in model years is 75.....sadly.

Next week: a good ol' fashioned cat fight!

The Big Circus

Top Model recap!

The hamsters split themselves into two teams of five to do a "live" interview w/ some lunk for some stupid TV show. Allison got special recognition for being awesome. Allison and her hamster mates won immunity at elimination. A Top Model 1st!

For the photo shoot, the hamsters shot in pairs on high wire stilts wearing S&M swim suits. It was kinda bad ass actually. Winning best photo was Allison and her hot ass. Getting the chop was Isis for some reason. But Isis got the last laugh on Tya(nt) by talking a bunch of shit about her on Twitter. I will love Isis forever!

Nice Weiner

Top Model recap fabulous!

The hamsters got branded! And I wish I was talking about hot irons on asses but alas, hamsters learned how to make themselves into a commodity. Kayla wanted to represent the queer ladies but no the branding "expert" claims that label is too "2005". Pack up, lesbians! Yr yesterday's newspapers! Now, Kayla is "free". Um...OK? Angelea is persistent & cheap shoes. Heh! I was thinking more drag queen but I'm just a snarky bitch. Bianca got candid which ended up w/ her being a gigantic bitch-asarus to the rest of the hamsters. Hey, y'all, she's just being "candid"! Any excuse for bad behaviour I guess.

Make over time! And for some reason Ashlee Simpson was lurking around.....EWWW EWW EWW! Do like her hair though. Alexandria got her long blonde locks chopped off, she looks better w/out bangs though. Lots of hair extensions. Lisa got a much needed hair cut but she bitched and moaned the whole time. I hate that skank! Heh, Mr. Jay called her a dowdy housewife and that shut her up. Kayla got red highlights, very cute. Bre had a melt down about going shorter. Oh shush, you ten times better than where you started! She even threatened to leave the show but rest assured she stayed. Whew!

For the photo shoot, the hamsters had pose w/ chili dogs & convey their brand. I didn't like this photo shoot. Too messy & grossly weird. Winning photo was Lisa's incredibly disgusting "daring" photo. Ugh! She's a horrible dresser & here's a tip, CHEW W/ YR MOUTH CLOSED! Lame. And Sheena got the old heave ho. She was not bringing the unexpected...except w/ her never ending supply of jump suits.

Next week: tooch!

Deja Vomit

Top Model is back!

This is a very extra special season....it's All Star time! I really didn't agree w/ the majority of the choices Tyra(nt) made in who she called back.....but I'm thinking that most of the hamsters I enjoyed viewing had good enough sense not to further humiliate themselves on the small screen again.

Season 1: Shannon, annoying Christian girl. I couldn't stand her then, I can't stand her now. I miss Elyse! My beautiful dark haired waif!

Season 2: Camille, the arrogant bitch. Thumbs down! Where's Shandi? Oh yeah, Shandi has awesome tattoos and wants nothing to do w/ Tyra(nt) ever again.

Season 3: no representation.....I loved redheaded Nicole....sadly, the rumour is that she's working at a Starbucks in Minnesota. :-(

Season 4: Brittney, pretty party gal. Amazing body, slightly annoying. My fave was Naima and she won so no need to bring her back.

Season 5: we have two hamsters! Bre, stank attitude and annoying lazy eye Lisa. Lisa was last seen on Celebrity Rehab. Wonder if she still has a "problem"? Ugh to both of these, bitches! I want androgynous Kim!

Season 6: no hamsters from then either....I loved Joanie & Mollie Sue. But they're real models now so nuts to Tyra(nt)!

Season 7: nobody...I liked AJ

Season 8: nobody...I liked Sarah & Brittany

Season 9: Bianca, another idiot bitch. Where's plus size Sarah or pixie cut Janet?

Season 10: Dominque, mean bitch. Plus she looks like a drag queen. BLAH!!! I want Brooklyn punk Lauren!

Season 11: Isis, the 1st transsexual contest & Kimora Lee Simmons wannabe Sheena (I can't stand her!). I like Isis actually but my fave from that season was sweet French Marjorie.

Season 12: Allison, HURRAY! My sweet doe eyed, nose bleeding enthusiast! She got so robbed when Bevis T-Rex trapped in a wind tunnel won.

Season 13: Laura, sweet country gal. She's not bad, a bit annoying. Redhead Nicole won that cycle & I loved loved loved her!

Season 14: Angelea, another drag queen asshole. I want Ren!

Season 15: Kayla, HUZZAH! She's an out and proud lesbian and she's freaking gorgeous!

Season 16: Alexandria, oh no not Bitch Face! I thought I saw the last of her! Grr! I wanted Kasia and her plus sized beauty!

No competitive challenge for this episode....praise the Lord!

For the photo shoot, the hamsters had to exaggerate the persona they created on their original season. Winning photo went to Isis, whom I might add had the final surgery completed! Nice job, Isis. And packing it up was Brittany.....really? She was gorgeous but Tyra(nt) deemed her unmemorable. I say bullshit!

I'm rooting for Kayla and Allison!

Champion

Top Model recap time!

It's blonde vs brunette. Crabby pants vs. tiny tears.

But before the winner can be crowned, the long suffering viewers are forced to watch the hamsters schill for Cover Girl. Blahblahblah lipstick.

The parents are flown in....actually just Crank Molly's parents as Brittani's mother has an anxiety disorder and had a recent surgery.

Then the runway. Look! It's gentle giant Ann from last season. LOVE! And both hamsters are sporting blown out fro wigs ala Chaka Khan circa 1978. And seconds before the closing of the runway show, Brittani head dives into a wall. This is preserved forever in celluloid.

For the final judging, both hamsters had their chopped off. Wicked wicked short! Looks great, wish I could do that. But SB hates the cropped look and my face is too "round". Then the side by side photo comparisons. That is truly my favourite part. Molly has a better portfolio but bobbed Brittani is now the reining Top Model.

See you in September, Tyra!

Honestly!

I'm late in my recap for Top Model and I couldn't figure out why I had no motivation. Then it hit me last night.....I don't care.

Pig tails finally went home...stay tuned for the lack luster finale recap!

Medina

Top Model recap time, bitches!

And yes yes, it is that time of in the season again wherein the hamsters make fools out of themselves dancing in public. This time around the humiliation factor was increased two fold because the hamsters had to belly dance w/ a GIGANTIC tea set & lit candles on their heads. Ridiculous! The big surprise though was Miss Brittani who came out on top in this challenge, she can actually dance. Of course compared to cranky pants (but incredibly beautiful face!) Molly, bland Hannah & dumb ass Bitch Face. Can't say enough bad things about Bitch Face! As the champion Brittani got to have private walking lessons w/ Miss Jay & she invited Blah Hannah along......for devious reasons (HA!). Hannah has the worst walk out of the four and everybody knows it.

Brittani ate goat brain and ended up w/ a touch of food poisoning. Rule #1 of traveling in a foreign country.....don't eat street food....EVER.

The photo shoot was very hard to explain. Let me just say two words "haute couture". That probably says nothing. The hamsters were all decked out and posing in the big ass open market. Best photo for the second week in a row went to Miss Molly. Yes she's angry and pouty but I really like her. And she can werq! Getting das boot was Bitch Face!!! Finally my prayers have been answered. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Final three!

My Humps

Top Model recap time!

I missed the 1st 15 minutes of the show so bear w/ me. The hamsters are in Morocco. It seems as though there was some sort of go see type of thing and poor "fatty" Kasia couldn't fit into any of the sample sizes. Oh, c'mon! Those designers were the given heads up that she was coming. Idiotic reality TV!

For the photo shoot, the hamsters had to pose on camels. It was really cool actually. The camels really did not want their picture taken...at all. They were jumping and bucking all over the desert. Molly had best photo of the week and she deserved it even though she might slice a bitch's throat. Packing it up was larger than life Kasia. Wah! No fair! Why the hell is Hannah still around? She sucks monkey balls!

Nobody likes the big girls.

Garbage Bag Ladies

Top Model recap time, y'all!

And it's go see time! The hamsters have to go to 5 go sees in a Smart Cars & have to use their wits and map to navigate the greater Los Angeles area & must be back at the designated area by 3 pm. You can already see how this poses many major problems. Hannah has a crap runway walk & has wears idiotic pigtails. Brittani & Jaclyn only made it to 2 go sees which doesn't cut the mustard. And Bitchface won because she's a suck up. Molly had me rolling on the floor laughing w/ her mean ass snarkiness!

For the photo shoot, the hamsters were decked out in haute couture and were posing on stilts in a...wait for it....wait for it...GARBAGE DUMP. Are you fucking kidding? What could be more hazardous and dangerous than fucking putting on fuck me pumps and prancing around on dirty hypodermic needles? Plus, I loved how half the crew had on hospital masks. Please, make sure the crew is safe but, ya know, fuck the hamsters! Bitchface had best photo of the week....I respectfully disagree. And packing it up was Jaclyn and her baby voice.

Back in two weeks!

The Oracle

I'm a terrible human being, I promised myself that as soon as the winter of my discontent had ceased, that I would go back to the library and read some new books.

I'm a liar and phony. I went to Barnes & (Ig)Noble & purchased books....including one I've read before.

As some of you may know, I adore Diablo Cody & rumours have been a-flying that she's working on a new screenplay for The Sweet Valley High series. As luck or major coincidence would have it, there it sat in all it's lurid pink glory.....the 1st 3 books of the Sweet Valley series in one delicious tome.

My cousin and I (I'm a year and a half older than her & had that ferocious sisterly competitive thang) were OBSESSED w/ the Wakefield twins. OBSESSED! Of course, we aligned ourselves w/ Jessica, the more glamourous twin. Liz was such a fuddy duddy. I wanted their perfect lives.

Of course, when I was actually in high school, a metal loving weirdo nerdy misanthrope, I stopped reading any YA novels that were about "real" high school life. Good bye, twins!

I am also, at this time, reliving my 7th grade literary history & Sweet Valley has reared it's perfect size 6 head into my psyche again.

Oh my geezers, y'all! What horrible drivel! Francine Pascal is a terrible writer! The first few books in series were written in the early 80's and I must say some of the references are very very very dated. And also, why did I never notice that Jessica is a manipulative little bitch? And Elizabeth is a pious passive aggressive wanker.

Some snarkers on the boards have complained about inconsistencies in the stories, I have recently found out many of the books were actually ghost written. Pascal gets the full fuck you finger!

The real problem for me is the abhorrent treatment of over weight girls, the twins are always the "perfect" size six. She's 10 lbs heavier than me, ewww! She'd look so pretty if she went on a diet. Gag me w/ a spoon!

You can read me more of these similarly awesome criticisms at http://thedairiburger.com/its-always-sunny-in-sweet-valley/. It's an awesome site, check it out!

Crazy Making

Hurray, I have my Top Model recap up in time!

More of Alexandria's total jerkiness, Molly says Alexandria is on her top 10 list of all time bitches....heh heh comedy gold.

For the challenge, the hamsters were modeling for the Warriors in Pink, a part of the Susan G. Koman Race for the Cure (breast cancer) & had to pick a warrior symbol & style themselves as that symbol. Alexandria was a tree of life & she literally stood in a pile of dirt. SAY WHAT? And w/ that she won the challenge and got to participate in a PSA for boobie cancer awareness & a new car (a Ford Focus, lame). Of course this becomes a catalyst of one of the greatest cat fights in Top Model history. Cutie bob haired Brittani freaks the fuck out on Bitchface & the truth comes out that no one in the house likes Bitchface.

This photo shoot was a particular fave, the hamsters had to convey the crazy. I loved the over the top couture, it was truly eerie and beautiful. Who knew madness was gorgeous?

At panel, Brittani had a panic attack after she again reiterated her feelings about Alexandria in front of the judges. Tyra(nt) did not take too kindly to this confession. Thankfully, Brittani was spared and boring Mikaela was sent a-packing.

And among the drama Jaclyn's mad for makeup got best photo o' the week.

Next week: time to take out the trash!

Mud Bath

Top Model Recap!

Molly's evil ugly weave as finally removed, yahoo! She had a big ol' nasty rash on her head...blech.

For the challenge, the hamsters had to do a meet n' greet w/ their adoring public. Ugh, this was so painful to watch. Some weirdo kept annoying Monique, she pawned him off on Alexandria by telling the weirdo that Alexandria would kiss him. Heh! But Kasia was cute and genial and won a dinner w/ Miss Jay Alexander while the rest of the hamster had to pick up trash. It's character building?

For the photo shoot, the hamsters were grouped into 2 teams of 4...the blondes vs. the brunettes. Sheesh, another group photo shoot?! Snoring! But the photo was kinda cool, they were all caked in mud and intertwined w/ each other. Brittani got 1st call out, she's a stunner! And packing it up was pissy ass Monique.

Next week: the claws come out!