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Saturday, April 16, 2011

The Oracle

I'm a terrible human being, I promised myself that as soon as the winter of my discontent had ceased, that I would go back to the library and read some new books.

I'm a liar and phony. I went to Barnes & (Ig)Noble & purchased books....including one I've read before.

As some of you may know, I adore Diablo Cody & rumours have been a-flying that she's working on a new screenplay for The Sweet Valley High series. As luck or major coincidence would have it, there it sat in all it's lurid pink glory.....the 1st 3 books of the Sweet Valley series in one delicious tome.

My cousin and I (I'm a year and a half older than her & had that ferocious sisterly competitive thang) were OBSESSED w/ the Wakefield twins. OBSESSED! Of course, we aligned ourselves w/ Jessica, the more glamourous twin. Liz was such a fuddy duddy. I wanted their perfect lives.

Of course, when I was actually in high school, a metal loving weirdo nerdy misanthrope, I stopped reading any YA novels that were about "real" high school life. Good bye, twins!

I am also, at this time, reliving my 7th grade literary history & Sweet Valley has reared it's perfect size 6 head into my psyche again.

Oh my geezers, y'all! What horrible drivel! Francine Pascal is a terrible writer! The first few books in series were written in the early 80's and I must say some of the references are very very very dated. And also, why did I never notice that Jessica is a manipulative little bitch? And Elizabeth is a pious passive aggressive wanker.

Some snarkers on the boards have complained about inconsistencies in the stories, I have recently found out many of the books were actually ghost written. Pascal gets the full fuck you finger!

The real problem for me is the abhorrent treatment of over weight girls, the twins are always the "perfect" size six. She's 10 lbs heavier than me, ewww! She'd look so pretty if she went on a diet. Gag me w/ a spoon!

You can read me more of these similarly awesome criticisms at It's an awesome site, check it out!


Roaring Lion of Two Fisted Cool said...

I can understand and sympathize with the urge to revisit believed childhood literature. And the possible disappointment that causes. But going to boards to discuss it. That's crazy time ;-)

Leslie said...

I love The Dairi Burger site! And I loved Sweet Valley Twins/High when I was younger. I reread a couple of SVH books a few years ago. Er, erm. Hmmmm. All I have to say is thank God I woke up and stopped reading those books. They're pretty awful. But good for a laugh. :)

phairhead said...

Exactly, they are purely for entertainment purposes :-)

Pulp said...

I've been wanting to read it soooo bad, but I just can't do it. Thanx for the review.

phairhead said...

No problema, chica :-)