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Sunday, October 31, 2010

The Short of it

I'm pleased to say that I'm making some head way w/ my dietary lifestyle changes. And I'm slightly less paunchy than I have been. Stuck at size 12 for the time being. Boobs in a C cup though! As God as my witness I will never be a D again ;-) Really addressing my snacking habits & traded in somewhat healthier chocolate for dried apricots. Plus in two weeks, I will be doing both Zumba and boot camp.

Yup, I'm a pretty girl.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Blankety Blank

Today's questions are brought to you by thecolor purple, witches' brooms, the number 800-555-1000, and hootin' anni.

1] We all love snuggly things, right? In your own words, explain how the "X" and "O" became symbols for kisses and hugs! Who the hell cares?!

2] Besides eliminating sticks, what would you put in a non-stick pan? Used chewing gum

3] x=y over pi squared. What are your thoughts on crematoriums having discounts on those that die in fires? That doesn't happen....ever

4] Tongue twisters are fun...but, it's torture to try to say lisp with that "s" in the word. What is your favorite tongue twister? Risque answers get extra credit! Eleven benevolent elephants

5] Cold weather is coming up. If it's zero degrees Fahrenheit, and tomorrow night it's predicted to be twice as cold, what temperature will it be? Below 0

6] Your significant other is upset with you, would you rather be skating on thin ice or be in hot water? Why? Hot water because I usually get a flushed face when I'm upset

7] What's worse, expecting the unexpected or being a wise guy? Expecting the unexpected because it usually ends being far worse than I can imagine.

8] What brand of vacuum cleaner sucks the best? Mine really sucks!!! Dyson all the way

9] How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Do you like playing with fire? No, it burns

10] Toys R us...what was your favorite toy? Spirograph...hours and hours spent on that sucker

11] Halloween is near...let's go grave robbing....what would you like to find? Nazi gold

12] Do you wake up or open your eyes first? Depends on the day

13] What mask would you wear to a Halloween Party? All white and expressionless....very scary.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Negro y Blanco

Sugar time Just Desserts recap!

For the Quickfire, the cheftestants had to create a dessert using savory foods. First of all, ICK. Second of all, didn't they bitch out and boot Heather G for using veggies last week? Morgan throws an elbow to the remaining bitchy Heather's face. He shouldn't have done that, foul! But then Heather moans and groans on and on and on. She claims she had a fat lip and poutily had wash cloth on her mouth. Idiots both! The losers were Danielle's disgusting corn and avocado mess, Eric's couscous apricot prosciutto yuckiness & Heather's nasty ass beets. Guess it wasn't worth an elbow to the face then, eh Heather? Zac won w/ his steamed beet cake. God, that sounds revolting! And in a surprise twist Zac forfeited his immunity to take 5 grand. He should have asked for 10.

For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants must make black and white desserts for the L.A. Times 128th anniversary party.

Some one "stole" Heather's Rice Crispie treats. This reeks of cheap pea puree! The mystery was never solved and I could give a fuck.

The big wiener was Yi(Gidget)'s structural blocks of tastiness. And getting das boot was Ericka. SAY WHAT? Bullshit. She did amazing stuff and one batch of soapy ice cream and she's going home. And yet Danielle that sucks hard at everything is once again spared.

2 ladies left. Sexist jerks!

I Smell an Imposter

I'm sorry my recap of Top Model is going to be short but I was having birthday dinner w/ my parents and in-laws last Wednesday (pasta e fagioli & black n' white cookies) and did not get home in time to watch the full episode.

For the photo shoot, the hamsters were made to look like famous fashion designers. Ugh, I really hate it when they dress the chicks up to look like dudes.

Here's the breakdown: Esther = Christophe Decarnin (sorry I don't know him!)
Chris = Betsey Johnson (LOVE BJ!!!)
Kayla = Vivenne Westwood (makes sense w/ the red hair)
Ann = Alexander Wang (again not someone I'm familiar w/)
Liz = John Galliano (beautiful clothes but he is not attractive)
Jane = Marc Jacobs (*sigh* handbags)
Chelsey = Carolina Herrerra (I keep thinking of crisp white shirts)
Kendal = Vera Wang (wedding dresses!)
And breaking Ann's winning streak was Liz. I guess it was all about the arched eyebrow. Liz is cute but such a fucking complainer. Here's a tip: life's not fair. And packing it up was Kendal's dullness.

More snarkiness next week, bitches.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Macabre Meme

1) How far back can you trace your family tree? Great great grandparents...all Italian

2) What's your favorite comfort food, and why? Potatoes or pasta. I like anything you can add butter, bacon or cheese to make extra awesome.

3) Does listening to people with different accents than yours bother you? Is it hard, or fun? I love accents! They're really hot actually.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

The Voice of God

Last week, SB & I had date night. A leisurely stop at Van's Vietnamese for my usual summer rolls. SB had the spring rolls. As I wasn't in a pho mood, I had the grilled lemon grass chicken. Moist and delicious!

Onto Barnes & (Ig)Noble for a tasty treat. I wanted a Vivanno but they have a limited menu at the B&N Starbucks. So I reluctantly settled for a gigantic chocolate chip and peanut butter cup cookie & perused the magazine section.

And the best was saved for last, Laurie Anderson at EMPAC. For those of you not in the know, Laurie is a musician, artist and inventor. I got her seminal and groundbreaking CD "Big Science" the autumn of 2001. To say it resonated and scared me all at the same time, would be an understatement. I got to her perform that following year. It was all spoken word, though in my eyes it seemed like storytelling. Dark but funny.

This time around, Ms. Anderson was show casing her new live piece "Delusion". She played her electric violin (which she invented!) & synthesiser while small film clips played in the background. She spoke about death and punctuation and the decline of America. What freaked me out was her scary voice modulator! It sounded like a demonic god. Oh and I should mention, Laurie has a voice like molasses. Slow and deliberate.

It was the first time I had been to EMPAC. It's like being inside a piece of modern/post-modern sculpture.

Check out her new CD "Homeland"!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Friday Thunks

The TT questions are brought to you by Bud, the color of a bad backand the number 28.

1. Berleen is sending you away again. You can travel anywhere in the world; one destination per day from Friday through Monday. Where do you go and why? Costa Rica, it's far enough away but not so far that I would jet lagged and not enjoy it.

2. Would you keep a secret from the closest person to you if you thought it was in their best interest? Actually, I would.

3. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you that you have not revealed in some other crazy meme. I have OCD about the way I listen to music. It's a complicated system that I cannot get into right now.

4. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' BS) - what are they? Have our house in perfect shape, stay thin, be debt free.

5. If you could change anything about your living situation, would you? The disgusting cat hoarder next door. She's an animal abusing asshole!

6. Who is your favorite character from a comic strip? Please post one strip for us to laugh at. Lucy from Peanuts.
7. Now we have found you dead. What five people do you want to MEET in Heaven? Bettie Page, Joe Strummer, William S. Burroughs, my grandmother & Charles Schulz.

8. So since you are dead, what will the title of your life story be? "What are you Looking at?"

9. Word association time! What's the first thing that comes to mind when you see the word pleasure? Treasure

10. Kimber is by the Arizona ocean. She finds a message in a bottle. What does it say? Send sun screen!

11. Would you like to guest host Thunks one week? Answer “yes” here and email us
here! If the answer is “no” who do you think would be a great guest host? No, Ace.

Does this Cookie Make my Butt Look Big?

Again, my apologies for the Top Chef:Just Desserts late recap.

For the Quickfire, the cheftestants had to make souffles. Man, oh man, I so do not envy the cheftestants. Tricky stuff, souffle. I wish Anais Nin would have made me one. An old family recipe.Anyways, the big losers were Zac's frozen "souffle" (hey man, not a souffle!), Heather's & Erika's non puffy souffles. Winning immunity was Yigit, whom I want to call Gidget, for his luscious chocolate souffle.

Heather, the bitchy one, went on a long diatribe about how Morgan is. He's sexist, apparently, & a poor excuse for a pastry chef. Heather, get over yrself! Worry about yr own shit.

For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants had to make an edible, wearable garment & pastry "accessories". Morgan won w/ his sexy LBD (Little Black Dress). And packing it up was the other Heather. What?! Eric did a much worse job than her. Personally, I think they wanted her gone because she had already been eliminated.



What a crazy week! Here's my Top Model recap.

It was another dumb makeup challenge. I'm sorry but I find these so tiresome. It's basically an exercise to see which hamster has the "best" personality. Casey won because she's a fake bitch. And her prize was a gift certificate to Walmart. Hey! I thought they were supposed to be classing up this show.

For the photo shoot, the hamsters had to pose together in an walking/movement action shot w/ a male model. Ann had best photo, even though she's akward and not such an easy, breezy personality. Damn you, Cover Girl! And packing it up was Casey, because she's a terrrible model.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Yet another Monday

1) Are you brand conscious about toilet paper, or is whatever’s on sale good enough? I like the squishy Scot brand myself.

2) When was the last time you washed all the windows in your home inside and out? Wash the what? Huh?

3) What's the funniest movie you've ever seen? Young Frankenstein...this may change

Sunday, October 17, 2010


SB & I went to the Amherst/S. Hadley/Northampton area of Mass for the long weekend. We almost didn't go because I couldn't find a cheap hotel room. But thanks to hotwire we stayed at the Howard Johnson's for 57 clams a night.

It wasn't even worth 57 buttons! Ugh! The shower had two heads in it for some reason. You had to have a degree in engineering to turn the fucking thing on. The staircase reminded me of an M.C. Escher painting, yes indeed, there was a staircase to nowhere. The continental breakfast was terrible too! And I'm not one to complain about free food. There were bagels but no bagel cutter. Thank God SB always keeps his Leatherman on him. And when they run of coffee, they run out of coffee. Stick w/ the Lucky Charms.

On to the good stuff! We had an excellent dinner on Saturday when we arrived, at a place that I cannot remember the name of. Sorry! It was the first time I had mulligatawny, I'm staying away from fried apps.

On Sunday, we headed into Northampton to take in the sights. Did a bit of shopping at the used CD store Turn it Up, the thrift store, the book store. And we ended up sitting in the town square enjoying a Starbucks ( I had a chocolate Vivanno) & reading. Check out some of the great pics I snapped.

Sorry for the weird layout, blogger is being a whiny bitch!

My middle brother was supposed to meet up w/ us on Sunday but it was logistically impossible. So, in honour of my birthday, (Oct. 21st in case yr keeping track) he sent me a gift certificate to Northampton Brew Pub. SB got the sampler of beers and a full pint of the Pumpkin Spice. I had a really great tart hard cider. For nibbles, SB had some fancy nachos and I had a chorizo jalapeno thin crust pizza. The layout there is awesome, we sat outside on the 2 tier deck. Just gorgeous! I highly recommend the place.

After a full day of mogging around, we had a late dinner in Amherst at Pasta e Basta. It was a cute restaurant but the food was meh. My meat sauce had little flavour. Still, plenty of places left in Amherst that we have not eaten at yet.

Because of the awful breakfast a the hotel, we ate at the Route 9 Diner. Oh my Goddess! It was truly spectacular diner. SB had challah bread French toast & I had potato latkes. They were crisp, flavourful & not greasy at all. They were so crunchy I am thinking the latkes were rolled in corn flakes before they were cooked.

And of course we had our pilgrimage to Trader Joe's!!!! We got some cider, soybeans, taquitos, amongst other various delicious things. We got the Cha Siu Bao for the first time. They were so awesome!!! SB was drooling and murmuring, "MMMHHHMMM *GRUNT GRUNT* PULLED PORK!"

Can't wait for next trip there!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Part Werewolf

The TT questions are brought to you by Bud, the color of bad excuses and the number 9. number 9.number 9.number9.number 9..

1. It's election time. The moon is currently waxing crescent and is 37% full. What do you do to decide who to vote for? Vote for the lesser of two evils.......I'm looking at you, Cuomo!

2. Everybody is afraid of something. Do you play a musical instrument? When I was in middle school, I played the flute.

3. Everyone loves some kind of music. What is an irrational fear that you have? Lately, it's been driving over bridges. I always feel like the bridge is going to collapse or I might drive over the side accidentally.

4. Back to politics. Who do you think will be next president after Obama whether he gets a second term or not? Hilary all the way!

5. What is the most unusual piece of furniture that you own? I can't answer that...guess I own stupid boring furniture.

6. Everybody gets angry at times. When was your last time and what did it concern? The stupid fucking systems that are nothing but bureaucratic bullshit!

7. Do you have cousins? If yes, are you or have you been close? I have 2 first cousins, we used to be close but there was a major upheaval in the family.

8. What was the last song that you sang in the shower? "Poker Face", the morning after the first time I heard it in 2009. Damn you, Gaga!

9. What question would you like me to ask next week? Wouldn't you like to know?!

10. What's in your left pocket right now? I have no pockets but in the left pocket of my bag there is an ass ton of lip gloss.

11. When was the last time that you laughed till you cried? I was watching The Office.

12. What song would you like played at your funeral? "Anywhere I Lay my Head" by Tom Waits

13. How did you discover Thursday Thunks the first time that you played? Google search engine.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

El Chupacabra

Top Model, y'all!

And there was all kinds of screaming at Kacey....blah blah blah...she's a bitch.

Moving on....

For the challenge, HAHAHAHA! Sorry! It was just so damn funny! Anyways, the hamsters had to do run way in some couture gowns. EXCEPT, they were on moving conveyer belt. HA! Lots of falling and dress mishaps. I thought I was going to pee my pants. Unfortunately, Kacey won & she screamed like an asshole on fire.

For the photo shoot, the hamsters posed w/ masked Mexican wrestlers. It was awesome! It was all over the top make up and leather S&M outfits. For the four-peat, Ann got winning photo! In ya faces, shorties! And packing it up was Lexie for not being a model....whatever that means.

Will Ann get best picture in a row for 5th week? Stay tuned...

Life is a Cabaret

Top Chef recap time!

And right off the bat, Seth was acting like a lunatic. He was shaving in the kitchen sink.....uh......EWW!

For the Quickfire, the cheftestants had to make an ultimate mind blowing sundae. Think outside hot fudge and peanuts. So Seth started having a conniption fit because he wasn't allowed to make his own ice cream. Why is he hating on Breyer's? Then there was hyperventilating and shouting over his magical paper cups which he threw out. Then, the awesome part, Seth worked himself into such a frenzy that he hyperventilated, passed out and quit the show. Good bye, Seth. Come back when you can't stay so long.

Anyway, the cheftestants chose random spoons to determine which awesome flavour of Breyer's all natural ice cream they would sundae-ing. In the bottom were, Ericka's Chocolate Banana S'mores Frangelico sundae w/ peanuts & chocolates on a graham cracker. I thought that sounding fucking excellent but apparently it was too traditional. Also Eric's Vanilla w/ Peaches n' Brandy Crisp, too simple & Danielle's non cohesive Rocky Road meets Neapolitan. Morgan edged out his competition w/ his Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream sandwich. WOW! Additionally, Morgan gained immunity from being eliminated.

For the Elimination Challenge, Morgan & the 2 other best cheftestants from the Quickfire were team captains for, yet another, team challenge. But wait, there's not enough cheftestants to create 3 teams of 3. And yes, they brought back Heather C. Hurray, redemption! So, the teams had to create 3 decadent desserts based off some contortionist Cirque du Soliel group, PLUS a flambe dessert AND a dessert show piece. Basically, an extra pretty center piece.

To me, it seemed like the judges had a problem w/ a dessert on every team. But Morgan's team pulled through and he won the challenge....much to Heather H's chagrin. Whilst in the Stew Room, Heather H. lashed out at him and said she carried him. Uh...what? How are those sour grapes tasting, girl?And Heather C. was a big sobbing mess. Not present at all. I think being eliminated once has spooked her.

Malika sent her self home because she has since decided that she hates baking. Heather C. get yr head in the game!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Columbus Day Meme

1) What would you say to your 16-year-old self, and why? "Don't conform, stand up for yrself." I was a miserable door mat @ 16.

2) What scent (candle, soap, perfume) do you think should be banned because it’s just so annoying? Hmmmmm.....anything fruity like strawberry. It stinks because it's so artificial smelling.

3) Who do you hope remembers you fondly? The junkie.

Saturday, October 9, 2010


Last weekend was Oktoberfest at Wolff's Biergarten in Albany. I love Oktoberfest! A celebration of food and booze?! Sign me up. Plus October is an awesome month, my birthday is coming up soon.

OK, so it cost 7 clams to get in. Then, you have to buy booze tickets. And unfortunately, I did not like their choices of beers on tap. They smelled like old socks. Thankfully Wolff's was open & I purchased a cherry lambic. It was $12! The hell?

For lunch, SB had the schnitzel, French fries & kraut. I had knockwurst, mashed potatoes & beet salad. The beet salad was amazing, crisp & slightly acidic.

We also got free schwag! Gigantic cheap plastic beer steins & little teeny beer stein shot glasses.

We had a great time w/ my brother & sister-in-law, couldn't have had better weather. We'll be back next year, Wolff's!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Thunk Master

The TT questions are brought to you by Bud, the color of a pumpkin pie and the number 3333.

1. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who were you meeting and why? I was 3 & I got caught trying to cross the road to go to the mall.

2. Tell us about the last time that you got your heart broken. Extra points if you publish their naked photo. The idiot that I dated before Sexybeast. I was heavily pursued and then he decided he wanted to be w/ his ex.

3. Tell us about someone you know named Bob. (Yes, we know this is a stupid question. Stupid is what we do best.) Do I know a Bob? I know I a Rob that call Bob because he hates that name.

4. We just found the perfect retail space. We are giving you the store. What’s its name and what do you sell? I'd go into business w/ my friend. She had the best idea ever! Part vegetarian cafe, part sex toy store. And we call it "Beat Greens".

5. Tell us about your last “friend with benefits". Oh no. I don't sleep w/ my friends.

6. Kimber worries a lot. What was the last this that you worried about? That I wouldn't be able to assist a client in paying their utility bill.

7. Do you believe “once a cheater, always a cheater”? Yes

8. Tell us about moving out of your parent’s home. Who did you move in with? By myself. I've never had roommates. Sexybeast is my first roommate.

9. What was your most recent regret? I have no regrets. That is a waste of time and energy.

10. Berleen recently ranted on face book about having to got to parent-teacher conferences when your child has great grades. What was the stupidest meeting that you most recently endured? Hmmmmm.....nothing recently. At my old job I had to put up w/ a lot of idiotic waste of time meetings.

11. Do you collect anything? Lunch boxes.

12. Has anyone ever told you that you were in the wrong job? YES! When I had a menial job at a hospital, I had people tell me all the time I was too smart to be a unit secretary.

13. Is there something that you’d like to complete before the end of 2010? Lose 20 pounds!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Hamster of the Sea

Oh Top Model! Why must you mock me so?

For some reason, horny Kasey (who has a boyfriend at home) decided to have a barbecue at the hamster mansion w/ the male models from their fallen angel photo shoot. WOW! This party was a drag, it really was like a 6th grade dance. Boys on one side, hamsters on the other. Never the twain shall meet.

For the challenge, the hamsters were strapped into a giant super duper roller coaster & posed w/ an emotion provided by Ms. Jay and hottie judge Nigel Barker. Pretty much everyone sucked, kinda hard to keep yr face on straight while going at 40 g's. Chris nearly puked on herself! But the wiener was bad attitude Liz, she won a shoot photographed by Tyra(nt) & then had some one on one time w/ her. More like cake time. Tyra was very busy eating all the petite fours to talk w/ Liz.

At the photo shoot, the chicks were laying face up in water w/ sea creatures in their hair. Cereal! I am not making this up! Winning photo went to Ann. Week #3 my gangly Amazon! And going home was Rhianna. Huh? What? Chelsey looked like a decrepit drag queen and she stays?! I don't get it. Rhianna was actually pretty. She was practically a duplicate of Ann Who Does No Wrong.

Why do I watch this show?

Snacky Cakes

Wow! This Top Chef: Just Desserts is fast becoming a train wreck! Why can't it be about the food?

Anyways, the Yoda of Wedding Cakes was this week's guest judge. Seriously, she looked like Yoda, tiny and wizened. For the Quickfire, the cheftestants had to create a beautiful AND delicious wedding 1.5 hours. For cereal? It takes that long just for the cake to bake! But no wait, there is 3 week old cake ready for the cheftestants to use. Oh. Yummy? FYI, we're having yummy licious cupcakes courtesy of my mama. Seth was in the bottom again because wooooo shocking he decided he didn't want to make a wedding cake because he has no wedding cake experience. Well, that's no excuse. Loser. Also sucking was Malika, for some reason her cake was disintegrating. Weird! And Eric because his cake layers were horribly horribly uneven. The winner of challenge was Erika and her mocha and Kahlua tastiness. And Heather H. (the other Heather) was all sour grapes that she lost and felt she still had the better cake. Yeah, well, yr not a fucking judge, so shut it!

For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants were broken into two teams to have a bake sale and raise money for either the Glee Club or the Pep Squad. So other Heather (the one I love!) felt pressured into not making a whoopie pie for fear of having too much marshmallow at their table. And then Seth INSISTED on making a financier cakes because he had to make a fancy dessert. Hey, Seth remember yr audience, it's a school bake sale. And then he said he didn't want to be up front at all around the children because he cusses too much. But apparently he meant this as a joke....even though he said it three times. Oh this team is so doomed! And they were and poor other Heather was sent home because of her simple peanut butter cookie. Too simple and made w/ a heaping helping of malice. And Eric was a winner w/ his mouth watering peanut butter and Nutella crispy bar. I'd sell my mother into slavery for that!

Good bye, Heather! You got robbed!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Say Yes

Well, I've done did it! And I'm damned happy!

I have a wedding dress!! And it's gorgeous. I wish I could find an interweb photo of it :(

I'll do my best to describe: it's all silk w/ an empire waist w/ a jeweled piece underneath the bust line. I'm altering it so that it has a strap going around my neck to create a halter top. And they're removing a layer of crinoline so my hips don't look 10 axe handles wide. Here's the best part! We're taking the bottom and turning into a bubble hem, imagine a mushroom, and and and we raise the front up so my ankles are exposed to reveal the fabulous blue shoes I will be wearing. I hope anyway! Haven't gotten to accessories yet.

In lieu of a veil, I will be wearing a '60's inspired ultra mod hat. I hate veils, they get in the way, they get dirty and knowing me, it would probably choke me to death.

I loved the bridal dress consultant! She was quick, knew her merchandise and could not have been more accommodating. And best of all, I did not feel like a big bloated pig. Just the opposite in fact, I was a smoldering sex goddess.

Now I just have to wait 6 months for it to arrive...

Monday, October 4, 2010

Out w/ the Old....

Imagine you can only keep 5 things that you have (people not included). What 5 things would you keep? 1. iPhone 2. engagement ring 3. Doc Marten's 4. My picture of my grandmother 5. The Handmaid's Tale

What's the hardest thing you've ever had to learn? The most challenging tasks are the most rewarding.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I'm going to...not make so many self-deprecating comments about my appearance.