Sunny Day

In order to combat my crippling seasonal depression, I've starting taking over the counter Vitamin D.

So far so good, no side effect & I don't feel like going into a coma nor slamming people's faces into belt sanders.

Q w/out a U

My depression is back w/ a sick sick vengeance.

I started feeling weird over the weekend, I don't have the best relationship w/ my sister-in-law and I'm not sure if I was being hyper-sensitive but it seemed like I was being alienated by my own family. Not to mention the usual aggravation from my mother.

Monday kicked my ass, do you ever get the feeling that yr getting less intelligent at yr job? 'cause that's me all over. Then SB's mother acted like she couldn't wait to get the fuck away from me after Zumba. Apparently it was more important to spend more time w/ her sister-in-law and niece than me. It was heart breaking to tell SB.

It's been a long time since I woke up from sleeping to weep uncontrollably. The sadness spreading throughout my body and psyche like cancer.

It boils down to me shutting out everyone. I've built up too many walls to make any friends.

Lost and lonely in the dark.

Aimless

I'm having an employment crisis. I started a new job last month and I'm having a hard time finding my role. I'm getting tired of having to compromise certain facets of my personality. Plus the bitches that work in Admin said I dress like a whore. I'm sorry I have short legs and shorter skirts look better on me. I have big boobs, my apologies. Should I bind myself?

So today, I have an unscheduled day off. I got up and worked out in the hopes that my large gut will someday be slightly less fatter. Sexybeast was in the bathroom brushing his teeth. I quick popped down to the basement to fluff some clothes that were air drying. I heard drip drip drip. And lo and behold, there's water in the utility sink, water on the floor behind the washer dryer, water seeping towards the kitty box. I called Roto Rooter and boy the 24 hour customer service rep was tiiiiiiiired. She had to ask me my name twice. The plumber is supposed to be here between 8 and 8:30. I suspects he won't be coming 'round til 10.

All the while, Sexybeast told me to go to my parents' house to shower and brush my teeth. I said nay. I didn't really feel like going to work today anyway. I'm tired and bored and feeling really really blue. I feel like I should be doing something constructive but I would rather just snuggle into the couch w/ a book and a movie.

I used to think I wanted to be a writer but I have no drive. I thought I would be happy in human services but I'm just not sure. I would love to work in sex education in some way. But how does
one get involved in career in that venue?


I gotta go, the cat just threw up everywhere.

Labour Day Foodings

Summer is gone and I'm quite depressed about it. I'm going to miss the sun and late nights and great summer fruits. September always feels so disappointing, a huge let down betwixt summer and my favourite month, October.

Anyways, SexyBeast and I went for one last hurrah to my parent's log cabin home in the Adirondacks. After a 3 mile hike, a cold swim in the lake and narrowly losing to my parents at bocce ball, SexyBeast barbecued up some delicious pork ribs. I say he barbecued because the heat was slow and low and he used a dry rub and not a drippy sauce. Though the ribs themselves were a bit bony, they were so sweet and succulent.

Sunday we hung out w/ his family. SexyBeast found some skirt steak and caramelized some onions and mushrooms to go w/ it and sliced the steak fajita style. I was in charge of the sweet potatoes, I sliced them thin and seasoned them w/ salt, red pepper and Cointreau. You have to nuke them before they go on the grill and I guess I didn't leave them in there long enough 'cause they were taking soooooooo long to grill. And his family was being really annoying about the whole business. We had to finish them off in the microwave unfortunately. And might I just add this meal was just for us as everyone else had already eaten.

Monday I met up w/ my middle brother's old girlfriend at the new Moroccan restaurant in Albany, Casablanca. Now the decor leaves a lot to be desired but the food was plentiful and cheap. We were given free almond and coconut cookies and free tasters of Moroccan mint iced tea and Moroccan orange juice, I think they put seltzer in it. And a free salad/crudite plate of marinated beets, sweet carrots and diced almost pickled cucumber. A great way to start off a meal! We skipped apps 'cause it was lunch and we wanted to keep it light. My friend had the chicken kebabs w/ rice and beautiful fresh peppers and beans. The chef came out front to de-skewer her meat. SexyBeast had meatball tagine / fragrant rice. And I had chicken couscous w/ fresh veggies. And they gave us two baskets of bread. I highly recommend Casablanca, I'm going back there for my birthday.

At least today is Tuesday : (

The Glad Game

I've been having an I hate myself kinda month so far. Which is weird 'cause the weather has been nicer and the days are getting longer.

I was watching one of my fave Family Guy epis in which Stewie tries to cheer up his future self by making a list of the all the things that make him glad. Here goes:

1) Remembering when I used to eat P- Chops chocolate chip muffins on Saturday morning while watching The Smurfs. A good period in my life, before cliques and body issues.

2) Diving into very cold water on the a hot day. Growing up we had a pool and more recently we have a log cabin on a lake, being near water is very important and healing for me.

3) Music, music, music. Music is my life blood. I constantly am plugged into the ipod or listening to CD's or the radio or Pandora. And nothing can cheer me up more than ska music. The Specials all the way!

Thanks to everyone for listening to me whine and complain! I appreciate the kind words.