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Sunday, February 28, 2010

I Walk the Line

My eyes are not closed. I'm looking demure w/ fierce black eye makeup.

Isn't this gorgeous? My swap meet friend Zom ( sent me this amazing package. At the top we have few of her fave recipes, I can't wait to try out the cherry ice box cookies, representing a new beginning we have some earth and seedlings (Bells of Ireland), an awesome handmade scarf (my grey coat is very happy about this!) and a fancy pen and pad of paper. All made even better w/ an eloquent and sweet note on pretty fancy papers and ribbons.

I really happy about that last gift, sometimes I get an idea or a phrase and now I have a way of remembering my genius. Oh wait, that's right. I can't write anymore. I have no spark for it right now. So I'm counting on that gift to smack some inspiration into my cloudy head.

I also learned something important. I immediately starting comparing myself to Zom. The attention to detail, the legible handwriting, the thoughtfulness of each gift. How can I measure up? But I won't. I'm gonna give her a Phairhead style of gift, sloppy, weird and awesome.

We went to one of our local pubs last night for the Johnny Cash Birthday Bash. A night of music celebrating The Man in Black. I drank seltzer w/ lime slices all night. The highlight was this 10 year old kid that played guitar and sang my theme song "A Boy Named Sue". Good times good times.

I don't want everyday to be like Sunday.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

RIP Joe Strummer. I'll always love you!!!

Saturday 9: Should I Stay or Should I Go

1. Have you ever been on a date and you had to tell the person to just go away? Nope, I'm just not bitchy enough for that.

2. Do you wish you were someplace else right now? If yes, where? Fuck yeah!! The beaches of Mexico

3. Do you have any pet peeves? Having to fucking repeat myself, bad grammar, improper word usage (THERE'S NO SUCH WORD AS IRREGARDLESS!!!!!)

4. Tell us about a guilty pleasure of yours. Watching reality TV and eating Triscuits w/ bologna.

5. If you could change places and become a celebrity, who would you'd like to be? IDK, somebody slutty. I don't think I got that out my system when I was younger.

6. What do you consider your biggest talent? I'd like to say writing, just not sure how true that is anymore :(

7. Do you have a favorite actor/actress that is not a big star, yet they are your favorite? James Duvall, biggest role to date, Randy Quaid's son in Independence Day.

8. Name your five favorite rock bands of all time. 1. The Clash 2. Led Zeppelin 3. The Beatles 4. Pixies 5. Kaiser Chiefs

9. If you were to start a new relationship (for whatever reason), how much of your sexual history would you share? Would you resort to lying? All of it. No point in lying, it all comes out eventually.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Thunk You Very Much

This week we will answer some crazy questions brought to you by Berleen, the color of your keyboard, and the number 4579.

1. Who is the craziest person in your family? Me, hands down.
2. If you could make turtle shells any color you wanted, what color would turtles be? Crimson
3. How fast do hotcakes sell? So fast it'll make yr head spin
4. Can cannibals be arrested for being under the influence of alcohol if they have eaten someone who was drunk? I think the alcohol wouldn't be absorbed into the cannibal's body, so no.
5. If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license? YES
6. Where do people in Hell tell other people to go? To go fuck themselves.
7. Do you make stupid little baby noises when talking to your pets? Always and I sing little songs too.
8. Is the light on in the room? Right now, yes.
9. Did the voice tell you that the light is on in the room? The voice?
10. If you were to name an alcoholic drink, what would it be called? Bend Over and Take it like a Man.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

You Can't Afford Me

My weekend was full of sex, sex, sex. Now before yr dirty minds jump to a very obvious conclusion, I'm actually speaking of all the movies I watched recently.

I was really excited to check out the latest from Steven Soderburg, "The Girlfriend Experience". The big buzz surrounding the film was that the female lead was being played by real life porn star, Sasha Grey. There were many things I liked about "The Girlfriend Experience", the fact that the viewer is thrust right into the lives of this call girl and her boyfriend, the gorgeous cinematography, the naturalness of the dialogue and weirdly enough, for a film about sex there was no actual sex scenes. And it works.

That being said, I have a big BUT w/ "TGE". Sasha fucking Grey! Ugh! Other than her looks, Grey has nothing going for her. She's boring, flat and uninspiring. And if you haven't seen "TGE" and you want to, please disregard the rest of this post. Basically, Grey becomes attracted to one of her clients. I despised the casual way she tells her boyfriend that she 's planning 0n spending the weekend w/ another dude (client she's suddenly become smitten w/) and then gets annoyed (I think it was annoyance, very hard to tell when you can't express emotions. Maybe Sasha Grey is a cybernetic being) w/ boyfriend for being "selfish". And, get this, the character is obsessed w/ numerology/astrology bullshit. Oh, yeah, nothing says high class call girl like following some crack pot hokum.

For a really great look at the prostitution game, check out Billie Piper in the Showtime/ITV show "The Secret Diary of a Call Girl". The show is based on the blog/memoirs of real life London working girl "Belle du Jour".

Off to bed now....

Monday, February 22, 2010

Lagging Behind

What's your least favorite word? A 3 way tie between moist, squat and panties.

Where do you go when you need really good advice? I don't have a go to person usually, I like to absorb lots of different opinions.

If you could participate in any winter Olympic sport, what would it be? None of them, I hate winter.

Scratching my Head

1) Who is the person you have loved for the longest? My parents, I guess. Odd sort of question. I can't say Sexybeast because we've only been together for 2 years.

2) What gets in your way the most? My sloth.

3) What is your most bittersweet memory? Right now, the memory of the 1st client at my old job that died from an AIDS related illness. I was sitting w/ him in his room at the emergency department. He was nodding in and out, kinda watching the Sci-Fi channel but not really. It was time for me to leave and he said "Thank you." Probably the last words he said to anyone as he was put on a ventilator not long after.

4) Show and Tell. What comes to mind first when you see this picture? Or, tell a story if it reminds you of one. "The fresh ones just can't be beat."

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Just like that Book by Nabakov

Saturday 9: Don't Stand So Close to Me

1. Who would you like not to stand so close to you? The Roto Rooter plumber that came to my house on Tuesday. He had a huge cut on the bridge of his nose like someone had decked him. And his breath smelled like cigarettes in a a dirty beer bottle.

2. Which of the following aspects of your life would you think rates the highest: mind, body or spirit? Spirit. If you have that, the others will fall in line.

3. What is your favorite movie line? "I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How ever got in my pajamas, I'll never know." Groucho Marx

4. What is your favorite movie title? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

5. What is something that has happened to you that you would consider a miracle? Falling in love. Not to sound schmaltzy but I considered myself to be very unlovable before I met Sexybeast.

6. What do you try to stay away from? Processed foods.

7. What is it too late for? Babies.

8. Give someone credit for something and name it if you can. William S. Burroughs, heroin chic.

9. Would you rather be famous now & forgotten after you die or forgotten now & famous after you die, forever? And why? Dead and famous, that way I'll be young and beautiful and talented forever.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Never Fake the Thunk

This week we will answer some crazy questions brought to you by Berleen's demon spawns (teenagers), the color of snowflakes, and the number 7200.

They are 15 and 13... that is your warning.

And thanks to Bud for reminding us that it was time.

1. Why are computer mouses called mouses? They're not called mice? Hm.
2. If a guy has no money and he goes into a bar does he get kicked out? If he can get someone to buy his drinks, then nope.
3. Why does Taryn hate rat terrier puppies? I think it's implied in the name, RAT terrier.
4. Why do polar bears not moo? Because they are not cows.
5. Why do people let doves fly at their weddings? It's a symbol of peace.
6. Why are no two snowflakes alike? Basic geometry.
7. Why do people want things that don't work? (ads in newspapers - like junk batteries wanted) People are idiots.
8. Why do we have to wear shoes at school? Because the floor is vile and disgrossting. And feet are stinky.
9. Why do people wear socks with sandals? See answer to #7
10. Why do we always want bear hugs? You have an unconscious death wish.
11. Why do dogs lick people's toes? And why do they like to lick lotion? Dogs lick everything. Kitties like lotion too.
12. Why do people get this little thing pierced - as she points to the little thing on her ear. Because it's there.
13. Why do dogs like to eat out of litterboxes? Dogs are vile creatures.
14. Have you ever eaten a sandwich that had really weird things in it? I had peanut butter and pickle once. Is that weird?
15. Why isn't snow purple? Ask Mother Nature.
16. When the earth was made why was the sky made blue? Go look in an encyclopedia.
17. Why do cats like laser lights? They like bright shiny things.
18. When someone invented Santa Clause, why did they make him fat? Never trust a skinny Santa.
19. What do you think Santa does when he's not making toys? Naps and eats.
20. Why is it that suddenly I don't care anymore? Yr a teenager, it's in yr job description.
21. Why are the healthiest things for you most expensive? ARGGH!!! And I hate it. It's cheaper eating unhealthy food. ARRRGHH!!

I did warn you....

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Suzi Homemaker

I've probably bragged whole bunches about my mother's awesome bakery. She used to bake for fun when I was kid. Man, oh, man! I looked forward to every holiday, even the silly made up ones like Valentine's Day and Ash Wednesday. For the entire month of December, she would make cookies and Italian pastries and fried dough thingies and pie.

Sadly, all good things must come to an end. And my mother decided to become a professional baker when I turned 14. Gone where the halcyon days of having nice little treats in my lunch and the house to myself after school. Now, my mother baked professionally and couldn't waste her inventory on the family. And did I mention she was doing all of this out of the basement of our house? Not so good times.

And eventually, I had the unfortunate task of working for my mother. Ugh! She's such a type A personality. I had to do everything her way, which according to her, is THE only way. And God forbid you didn't put enough coloured jimmies on the cherry cookies. Mom is a bit of a stickler for presentation.

So, naturally, all of this stuff became contributing factors on why I do not bake....ever. Except for my super easy idiot proof cherry apple crisp (courtesy of the Moosewood cookbook) and even that was far from perfect.

Upon living in my own home, I discovered I finally had the freedom to return to the kitchen to bake. And I could have fun and make a mess and learn from my mistakes all on my own terms.

When I was packing up my shit from my parents' house to my new house, my mother made up a special box of baking necessities for me. And boy has that shit come in handy! I participated in 2 cookie swaps this past December. Oatmeal pecan came out great. Chocolate and dried berries were too mushy and totally needed a salt factor to cut the sweetness. The chocolate pecan bars were tasty but did not want to form bars and turned out to be chocolate pecan hunks. Still, I got rave reviews. And most recently, I made a chocolate fudge pie. To be honest, I used a pre-made crust. But the filling was all me, baby! And it was AWESOME.

This weekend, Sexybeast is off on an ice fishing trip. And upon his glorious return, he will be greeted w/ raspberry mango crisp.

Peace, love and cookie crumbs....

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


I'm having an employment crisis. I started a new job last month and I'm having a hard time finding my role. I'm getting tired of having to compromise certain facets of my personality. Plus the bitches that work in Admin said I dress like a whore. I'm sorry I have short legs and shorter skirts look better on me. I have big boobs, my apologies. Should I bind myself?

So today, I have an unscheduled day off. I got up and worked out in the hopes that my large gut will someday be slightly less fatter. Sexybeast was in the bathroom brushing his teeth. I quick popped down to the basement to fluff some clothes that were air drying. I heard drip drip drip. And lo and behold, there's water in the utility sink, water on the floor behind the washer dryer, water seeping towards the kitty box. I called Roto Rooter and boy the 24 hour customer service rep was tiiiiiiiired. She had to ask me my name twice. The plumber is supposed to be here between 8 and 8:30. I suspects he won't be coming 'round til 10.

All the while, Sexybeast told me to go to my parents' house to shower and brush my teeth. I said nay. I didn't really feel like going to work today anyway. I'm tired and bored and feeling really really blue. I feel like I should be doing something constructive but I would rather just snuggle into the couch w/ a book and a movie.

I used to think I wanted to be a writer but I have no drive. I thought I would be happy in human services but I'm just not sure. I would love to work in sex education in some way. But how does
one get involved in career in that venue?

I gotta go, the cat just threw up everywhere.

Monday, February 15, 2010

How Now Meow Meow

1) When was the last time you were in a pet shop? I have absolutely no idea.

2) Has anyone ever read poetry to you? Or written poetry for you? Yes to both. Good memories even if they were w/ the wrong guys.

3) What was the most undeserved thing you've ever received? Compliments.

4) Show and Tell. What comes to mind first when you see this picture? Or, tell a story if it reminds you of one. "Sometimes you feel like a nut...."

Sunday, February 14, 2010

1. Are you a morning person? NOOOOOOO!!!!!

2. Tell us of a news story that truly shocked you. Crazy assed drunk driving stories always shock me. Why the fuck do people insist on getting behind the wheel when they've sucking down the hooch for 8 hours?

3. What was your very first job? Heh heh. I was the Izod Alligator for an Izod Gant outlet in Albany. It was hot and humiliating. Plus, I had to put w/ plushies. EWWWWW!

4. What characteristics do you despise? Apathy, selfishness and bigotry.

5. To where would you retire? Mexico. Hot weather and cheap livin'.

6. Are you named after anyone? Nope.

7. How do you release anger? Yell and toss shit around the house.

8. Do you use sarcasm a lot? What do you think?

9. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I have a vicious cruel streak.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Waa Waa

Haven't done one of these in a long time. I have had no sleep and I'm scared about my health at the moment. So.....grr meh.

  1. What is your favorite blanket like? My blue cheap ass blanket. I call it my smooshie.
  2. What was the last thing you baked? I made a low fat chocolate fudge pie w/ Kool wHip last night. Can't have a pie w/out Kool wHip.
  3. What television personality gets you most hot and bothered? Anderson Cooper *sigh* I think it's all the Prada.
  4. When did you last burn yourself? I got a bad burn a few years ago whilst making a steak. When my nephew (who was 3 at the time) asked me what happened, I told him. "Aunt Susan, burns are bad. Promise that you'll never do that again. NO, you HAVE to say 'I promise'".
  5. What are your feelings about hot sauce? SQUEEEEEEE!!!!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Dr. Thunkingstein

1. Kimber is freaking out because I didn't get the TT done yesterday. I had a busy day. Will you ever forgive me? Yes, yes I will.

2. So this weekend is Valentine's Day. When you think of yourself and this love-filled holiday, what is biggest memory? Valentine's Day is a bullshit holiday propagated by the greeting card and candy industries.

3. Pajama pants. Who knew it could have so many fricken opinions. (Seriously... if you don't believe me) Would you... do you... could you wear PJ pants to a store? Yes, I don PJ pants around town. Good stuff. I look freakin' adorable in them.

4. I'm gonna give you one of those big heart candy boxes on Sunday. Are you an expert at chocolate candies and already know whats inside them all or will you just take whichever one and enjoy it no matter what is inside or are you one of those people who sticks their finger in the bottom of the candy to see what the filling is then puts it back if you don't like it? I finger, I admit it. I finger them and put them back.

5. Scented Candles - whats your favorite? Cotton or sumpin', it smells like dryer sheets. Dryer sheets are the key to getting in my pants.

6. Snow sucks. We've mostly all been hit. What kind of snow shovel do you have? (The rest of you who live in sunny no-snow places... tell me your favorite sunscreen brand) I have no fucking clue! The kind that shovels snow.

7. The first thing I thought of this morning when I woke up was "Oh crap. Kimber's gonna be pissed...." then I had a whole bunch of good ideas for questions to ask. Now I can't remember them. Do you keep a notebook next to your bed for times like that? No but I should. I like lists.

8. Have you ever seen a groundhog in real, you can touch it and it will bite you, life? ???? The fuck?

9. Is there any key on your keyboard that is starting to wear off? Which one is it? Nope, they're all in good shape. Some are little sticky, I need to stop eating fruit and blogging at the same time.

10. Do you think Kimber should move to Minnesota and take long walks in the snow with Berleen? Sure.

Wow. Those questions sucked.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


I have officially restarted psycho-therapy. I go to a really wonderful woman in Albany that specializes in mind-body thing ding. Anyways, I'm a-clearin' out the cobwebs.

I've been eating a lot of hot air corn lately. Hot air poppers are vastly underrated. I like mine w/ pretend butter.

My boyfriend knows what mah jong is, huh?

Dead Like Me is an awesome TV show. Jasmine Guy, I love you!

I'm saving my pennies for OPI Alice in Wonderland collection. Alice in Wonderland is a long time fave. I used to check out the record of Alice Through the Looking Glass repeatedly from my local library. Can't wait for the flick to come out!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Here We Go

What was your best day of the week last week and why? Last Thursday when I got my hair cut and coloured and I was looking all cute in my red mini-kilt.

What's the longest you've ever gone without sleep? A day perhaps.

Is how old you look and/or how old you feel right now different from your actual age? Yr as old as you feel.

Put a Smile on yr Face

1) Tell about a snowball fight you had. When I was 8, we had an all out war. Snow forts and everything.

2) Where is the best hiding place you know of? My subconscious.

3) What extracurricular activities did you do while at school? HA! None.

4) Show and Tell. What comes to mind first when you see this picture? Or, tell a story if it reminds you of one. "See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil."

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Stuffy Stuff

I finally got my Chipotle cherry popped. For some reason I thought it would be more of a sit down type place, like the abysmal Chili's. Chipolte is, for all intents and purposes, a cafeteria. Anyways, I had the carnitas salad sans dressing. Now normally, I am not a fan of shredded meats. However, the chicken was moist and flavourful. Thumbs up! Sexybeast got 3 steak tacos, I couldn't get a discernible comment out of him as he was slobbering and munching everywhere. I'm assuming he liked it.

As some of you may or may not know, I started a new job at the beginning of the year. I've been increasingly busy w/ client work and I will be spending more and more time out of the office. As such, it behooved me to get a grown up phone to check my work e-mails and calender whilst being free from the confines of my desk. After talking to IT, I was prepared to get a Blackberry Smart Phone. However, it turns out the iPhone is a better deal. (MOTHERFUCKER!!!! BOLD AND ITALICS!!! I HATE YOU BLOGGER!!!!) So, yes my loyal readers, I am now a happy owner of the best cell phone in the whole wide world. Check out the above photo I took w/ my new baby.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Meh Meme

1. Tell us a joke that you think is funny. If you don't tell jokes tell us why. What do you get when you cross GPS and PMS? A bitch that will find you.

2. Where do you buy most of your clothes? Target, The Gap, TJ Maxx, Maurice's

3. Which famous person would you like to meet? Why? Margaret Cho because I think we'd be BFF.

4. What is your ultimate ambition? Be a published working writer.

5. Do you like to live in the area of your country or would you prefer something a little different? I hate the motherfuckin' snow in upstate NY!!! I wish I was in Mexico.

6. Has a newspaper or television reporter ever interviewed you? If so, what were the circumstances and what did you think when you read or saw what you said? Nope.

7. What was the last CD/mp3 album that you purchased? How did you like it? The Postal Service. LOVVEEEEE!!!!

8. Write down 5 songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you. This off my current iPod playlist 1) "Roll the Credits" - Peter, Bjorn and John 2) "Who Cares" - Gnarls Barkley 3) "Tomorrow Never Knows" - The Beatles (this will be my intro song to the wedding reception) 4) "Orange Sky" - Alexi Murdoch 5) "Never Said" - Liz Phair

9. Do you are your partner usual begin intimacy? Shouldn't that be "or your partner"? Anyways, I'd say it's 50-50.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Friday Fat Ass

  1. When you come home from a long day of whatever it is you do and your brain is totally fried, what therapy do you normally seek? Good food and hot sex.
  2. Of the myriad of desserts made primarily of fried dough, what is your favorite? Pizza Frite, Italian fried dough smothered in powdered sugar.
  3. Most fried foods are best right out of the fryer, but what’s a fried food that you enjoy cold? Wings
  4. What’s the most unusual deep-fried food you’ve ever tried? Squash flowers
  5. Where can you get really good French fries? The Gateway diner, coated in cheese.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

1. You walk into a room, someone turns and looks at you and laughs. What do you do? Turn red and get mad.

2. You find an egg, take it home and keep it warm. It hatches. What type of dinosaur is it? Do you keep it and name? Sleestak named Enik

3. Which superhero would you want to be related to and why? Tony Stark because he's a rich fucker.

4. A drunken sailor comes up to you on the pier...he begins harassing you in a most repulsive way....what'll be your defense? Down you go to Davy Jones' locker!

5. Entering a CLASS A piano bar, you're encouraged to sing atop the grand grab the microphone and sing..... "Waterloo" by Abba

6. If you were a character in a Dr. Seuss book/movie, who would you be and why? The Lorax because I like to recycle.

7. If you have just been called to be a substitute in the Winter Olympics for your country (apparently everyone else was busy), what sport(s) will you compete in? Kick ball

8. Did the audience from the piano bar in question #5 applaud when you were done with your song? Polite applause

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The Tools of my Future

To refresh the memories of my loyal readers (29 of you!), I went to a small Catholic school from pre-kindergarten to 8th grade. To escape the pain and awkwardness of youth, I escaped into YA fiction. I dreamed of how awesome high school would be, friends, acceptance, hot make out sessions w/ a groovy New Wave guy. Alas, it was not to be and here's the reasons why.

1. Though to be fair, this doesn't really count, as I didn't like this book when I read it in 1987. So, there was a series of books about a set of twins, I can't remember the title or the author. But one of twins was named Susan, which really tickled me because I rarely read anything where the main character had the same name as me. Anyways, the twins did all kinds of fun little twin tricks and it was all so saccharine and twee. I would read the stupid book just to piss myself off!

2. Now heres where the blame really lies, "The Girls of Canby Hall". A series of books about 3 chicks at a posh boarding school learning, living and loving. They all had bouncy hair and liked their parents. Plus, there was lots of talk about Doc Martens. No cuss words but there was a fair amount of plots devoted to loneliness and trying to fit in. And Doc Martens!

3. The woman, the myth, the legend: NORMA KLEIN. I still read Norma Klein. Norma Klein was part voyeur, part journalist, part awesome aunt that you just got you. Norma introduced me to the word "fuckingly". FUCKINGLY! Does it get any better? Oh wait! It does. Masturbation, drug use, the real realities of sex. All the characters seemed put together and multi-faceted. As an adult,I find her characters were primarily privileged white chicks living on the upper east side of Manhattan. I mean, who else wears Dior underpants? I don't and I'm 34. But still so awesome!

All this culminates in me being strikingly unprepared for public high school. I had to wait until college for friends, acceptance and hot make out sessions.

Monday, February 1, 2010


If you could only have one section of the bookstore to visit, which section would it be? Fiction

If you could only subscribe to one publication for the rest of your life, what would it be? Cooking Light

What activity always makes you lose track of time? Reading or writing


1) Did you wear hand-me-downs as a kid? Not much as I have 2 older brothers. I stole a lot of stuff from my father while I was in college, old pajama bottoms, his cadet pants from Army National Guard, a black military trench coat...

2) If you were to have the voice of any media personality, whose would you choose? Anderson Cooper, he's so smooth!

3) Would you be willing to have horrible nightmares every night for a year if you would be rewarded with extraordinary wealth? Well, I already have horrible nightmares. May as well get some benefit out of it.

4) Show and Tell. What comes to mind first when you see this picture? Or, tell a story if it reminds you of one. "The Shire"