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Saturday, August 29, 2009


Still vacilating (no spell check, sorry!) between self-loathing and trying to be OK w/ myself and my body. You'd think after 34 years I could accept myself but sadly no. Too self-contained to maintain friendships w/ people, esp women. I'm lonely.

I was trying on dresses for an upcoming wedding. Nothing fit. I've been trying so hard, I work out 4 - 5 mornings a week, I watch what I eat. And to no avail. I wish I could be like those "size acceptance" people. Ya know, "I'm chunky and proud! I'm large and lovely!"

All these negative thoughts are seeping into my relationship w/ SexyBeast. He is of the belief that I am not fat and got very angry w/ me. Tells me my thoughts are destructive. I have to explain to him yr either thin or yr not. I am not.

The bartender called me pretty last night. I can't believe I'm reduced to feeling validated by someone who works for tips.


Dijea said...

I walk 20 miles a week - I eat right, I've almost cut out meat and I can't crash the plateau I'm at and I'm flipping frustrated. I'm stuck at 175 lbs. Most days I feel fat, somedays I feel normal, but I never feel skinny. And NO ONE seems to be able to validate my feelings. Not even the scary guy on the trail I was walking on that gave me the gun/wink combo. YUCK!

At least you have the bartender. But I feel your pain.

Leslie said...


Maybe you should tell SexyBeast not to get angry with you. We all have our feelings, and they aren't right or wrong. We feel what we feel.

That said, I *am* sorry you feel this way. It's not fun to not feel comfortable in your own skin.

phairhead said...

dijea, it's just nice to know someone understands me.

les, it feels doubly worse 'cause i lost the weight before and it came back w/ a vengence. oddly enough i think if i had a concrete goal to meet i might feel better about myself.

Lilseed said...

it's definitely hard to reach that point where nothing seems to work. I wish I had the book I follow on hand, but I lent it to a friend who hasn't given it back yet. It has some good advice for getting over the plateaus.

I know where you are and how you feel. I've gone through the same thing. I lost about 40 lbs, then kind of fell off the wagon when I stopped losing weight. I REALLY fell off the wagon when I started doing training for my new job, but have high hopes to get things together in a few weeks when I am rooted in one place again and not living out of a suitcase.

Even though I hate going to doctors, it is sometimes helpful. A doctor might be able to help you with how to jump the next hurdle.

Keep your chin up - everyone has their own beauty. SexyBeast sees yours despite your current view of yourself. My husband has always been the same way. It's hard to listen to them, but sometimes it's good to have that perspective from outside yourself.

Keep the faith. I am a firm believer in the good is coming... the wait may be longer than you want, but it will be worth it in the end.

phairhead said...

lilseed: thanks for the kind words.i'm thinking of participating in an intensive 6 week workout/nutrition program. however, it costs 250 smackers! in the meantime, i've been thinking of getting those Eat This, Not That books. all about life style changes, not a diet

Albany Jane said...

I don't know if this makes any sense, but I get pissy with myself when I get into a mood. So I just don't let myself think like that. It's wierd, but it totally helps me out - I'm just like 'Hey, you know what? No. Knock it off'. It isn't perfecto or anything, but it atleast makes me realize that maybe my mind has made a mountain of a molehill.

Anonymous said...

I lost a lot of weight in the past year or so. And it pretty much flew off effortlessly.

There were a few things that I did which I think really helped to prime the pump.

1) Reduced alcohol consumption.
2) Ate more at home.
3) Dramatically reduced refined grains.
4) Whole grains, legumes, soy and vegetables became staples.
5) Reduced sugary desserts and ice cream.
6) Drink my coffee black.
7) Increased hot-sauce consumption.
8) Snacked on nuts.
9) Try to eat more non-fat yogurt.
10) Limit cheese to Parmesan.

There may have been more. But it was pretty painless. I do have to say that if anything, my success in weight loss has only created an eating disorder.

My OCD sees the numbers coming down on the scale, and I want them to come down further. It's sick and weird, I know.

Cheeks said...

My sister really likes that "You: On A Diet" book. She said it helps explain how your blood sugar and metabolism and those factors come into play. But it was written by that Dr. Oz guy who is on Oprah all the time. And I think he's a little bit of a scat freak (he talks about poo allllll the time!) - but he might know what he's talking about. He wears those doctor clogs, so you know he's a serious doctor. ;)

I hope you feel better about all of this soon. You have to do the best you can and cut yourself some slack every once in awhile.

And I'm sure there have got to be cheaper boot camp workouts out there. Or maybe a dvd? Get to ass kickin', sistah!

phairhead said...

sugar and alcohol are my downfall.

i do work out, i have DVD's that use 4 or 5 days/week. i'm just a snacky snackerson.

thanks Albany Jane, it's true. i got sick of beating myself up

Organic Meatbag said...

hey, a compliment is a compliment...rock on!

phairhead said...

and we got free shots too!!