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Saturday, December 20, 2008

Blue Christmas

As previously mentioned, I have not been feeling like myself at all lately. Hindered, stuck, overly emotional. I decided the best way to work through my bluckiness is to write about it.

Day one, I'm getting ready for work and I realize I really don't want to go. I work in case management in the HIV community and it's very demanding, esp. this time of year.

Day two, one of my clients really got under my skin. I'm hypersensitive anyway. I have to learn to become like a duck and let it roll off my back. But I like myself, do I have to change?

Day three, became agitated w/ SexyBeast. Communication breakdown and misunderstanding. I never explained to him how I get in the winter. My fault, I don't deserve such a wonderful man.

Day four, sleeping longer and longer. I feel at peace when I'm unconscious. Or most likely, hiding from what's troubling me. But I feel safe and pacified when I'm lying next to SexyBeast.

Day five, Christmas party at the office. Comfort foods and desserts. Great, now I'm depressed and fat. I hate my body, I feel like I've been abusing it.

Day six (today) sniping at SexyBeast and crying uncontrollably. I recognize that this thing in me is growing at a rapid rate.

Know this post is confessional but I need to let out the ugly. And from pain comes inspiration. Perhaps another story is on the horizon.


Wicked Messenger said...

There's nothing wrong with "confessional." This is a well written, raw, and honest posting, don't ever apologize for that.

Leslie said...


I hope you feel better soon.

I love confessional posts.

phairhead said...

Thanks for the support! : ) I needed it.

Lydia said...

winter sucks and christmas is a tough time. i was writing a similar blog entry for OMG girl and got so sick of hearing myself bitch that i deleted it. in my case i need xanax and i'll be all least thats my unprofessional opinion. hang in there, kiddo. you're not alone in the crap.

Anonymous said...

No, you don't have to change yourself. And of course you deserve your SexyBeast.

I can relate especially to days 5 and 6. I typically spend the holiday season evaluating the year. My inner critic finds her voice and chews me out about every little thing. I am eating too much. I didn't accomplish this. Have these relationship problems. Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. I guess I'll go eat worms.

Anyway. Chin up. You are not alone.

Albany Jane said...

Feeling better today?

I know it's not the same thing, but today I realized I've had a DVD of Project Runway Season Whatever out for well over a week past due. Eeek. No snow bank is keeping me away from returning them tonight!

Albany Jane said...

Can I also add that your blog has the coolest word verifications? I just had Prefect, and now I have trufts. Before I had a super awesome one, but I forget what it was.

phairhead said...

Miss Albany Jane, I am feeling much better! Thanks for all the kinds words and compliments. You really know how to make a girl blush

Piper K-ski said...

I was just checking in and saw your posts. :( Been going through lots of this the past year with Geezer & Marianne dying. It's a deep freakin' well sometimes. Talk it out, write it out, cry it out... just let it out. :) And know there are hugs and shoulders, even from afar!