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Sunday, May 17, 2009

Absolute Truth

Warning: This is a completely stream of consciousness piece of writing.

My depression has kicked in with the force of a jack boot against  gypsy's skull. Doubts and paranoia swirling in my mind, making me feel inadequate and worthless. Why should anyone care about me? My boyfriend can see right through me, he's going to leave me.

I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. Shouldn't I have a thicker skin? Nobody wants to listen to me whine about my pathetic doubts and fears.

The absolute truth is I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm taking the civil service exam in a few weeks and I'm going spare. I want to do well, I need a better job as Sexybeast and I are trying to buy a house. I'm in complete job finding mode right now.

The other issue is I don't know who I am anymore. I've wanted to be a writer since I'm 10. And yet I haven't done anything to further this goal. I have these ambitions live life to the hilt and being my best self. And yet, I'm hopeless. I'm not athletic like my work wife. I'm not able to paint or sculpt or make music or create anything on a grand scale. Am I not living up to my potential or do I have delusions of grandeur?

I'm swimming with sharks.


Leslie said...

If it helps at all, I struggle with these kinds of feelings all the time.

I know that desire to be a writer. My theory right now is if you write, you are a writer. Fuck publications and shit like that. I've been published (in a few crappy magazines and some nicer anthologies), and to be perfectly honest, publications do not change you. At the core, you will still doubt yourself. It sucks, but it's true. You just have to keep writing if that's who you are.

Hang in there. <3

phairhead said...

thanks for the support : )

Dijea said...

HELLO?! You are so not alone. I feel like this all the time. I want so bad to be a writer. I can spin a hell of a tale in my mind, but when I get in front of a keyboard or a pad and pencil - poof its gone.

I don't know who I am either. I'm kind of riding the wave of discovery instead of lost in a sea of despair. I find that what's helped me the most is looking at it from a different potential. I fail 50% of the time trying to make it positive, but hey - that means I've succeeded 50% of the time. Yippee.

I'm not athletic either, but I walk which has had me drop 10lbs over the last 6 weeks and it has so improved my mood and my outlook. And it doesn't take athletic ability to walk.

Good luck on your exam! And just keep doing the best you can. You are not worthless, don't let it beat you.

phairhead said...

thank you : )

Jess said...

Someone told me once to let go of all the past expectations and ambitions I've ever had. Then start fresh. Because things change, you change, and what may have been right for you then, may not be right for you now..reevaluate and sometimes things overlap, but sometimes you'll be surprised that they don't. It was the best advice I've ever gotten in my life, and the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

phairhead said...

That's the wisest thing I've ever heard, Jess. Thanks : )