Mis-Steak

Top Chef recap time!

For the Quickfire Challenge, the cheftestants were assigned a mother sauce , expand upon it & make a dish. Insert sauce pun here. The losers were Dakota (awww!) and her too sweet peach infused bechamel, Nyesha's muddled tomate and ras el hanout & Bev's espagnole wasabi. Bev, enough w/ the Asian style...branch out, take chances! Winning immunity was Grayson's hollandaise and scallops. Nice!

For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants had to work together to create a four course dinner featuring moo moo cow steak. Ty-lor cut the webbing of his hand whilst butchering meat. I gotta tell ya, this was the most boring uninspiring menu ever. Heather won w/ Ed's tres leches cake. Heather is a stealth bitch because #1 she's already made this cake for the quincenera challenge #2 she called out Bev for spending too much time & energy on shrimp AND she did this in the stew room right before judging. I'm no Bev fan but DAMN that's passive aggressive. And I can't believe she won this week! BLAH! And packing it up was Whitney's crap potatoes au gratin. Goodbye, Whitney! We hardly knew ye.....and that's the damn truth because everytime she came on screen, I was all, "Who dat?"

Maybe next week the cheftestants will be more creative.

Folksy yet Progressive

Top Chef recap, y'all!

The cheftestants were informed that were on the road to Dallas. And no, Beverly, Dolly Parton is not from Dallas. Ms. Parton is from the Smokies.

En route to their desitination, the cheftestants were pulled over by the local good ol' boys. How dumb are these cheftestants? They honestly thought they were in trouble w/ the law....SHEESH! Anyways, the cops directed everyone to an empty cornfield where it was revealed that their Quickfire ingredients were in their trunks. Survival kit meals! Basically canned foods. AND no utensils. I object to this Quickfire! How can anyone make a tasty, nice looking plate of food w/ shit from a can? BOO!

The stinkers: Whitney and her tinny tin tinned food, Dakota and her too sweet stir fry & Chiclets Chris tofu disaster. Winning immunity and some dough was Lindsay and her Vienna sausage Saltine club sandwiches.

For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants were then trucked out to an affluent suburb and divided into apps, entrees and desserts to be served at a progressive dinner. A progressive dinner is when each part of a meal is eaten different houses in a neighborhood. I find this idea so intriguing! Did it originate in the 70's along w/ key parties? The hosts and hostesses were a bunch of vapid wealthy idiots. You could totally tell that Tom Colicchio thought so as well.

So far, the cheftestants have been outstanding or awful. No middle ground whatsoever. Winning dish went to Paul's appetiser of fried Brussels sprouts w/ grilled prosciutto. OH MY GOD YES YES YES!!! And packing it up was Chuy's over cooked salmon & feta crap in a corn husk.

And please, cheftestants, no more foods that look like mouldy ashy cigars.

T-Boz, Chili & Left Eye

Top Chef recap time...a day late.

The chestestants were greeted by Padma (of course!) & Mary Sue Milliken and Susan Feninger of Top Chef: Masters. Mary Sue & Susan own and cook in a very successful Mexican grill. So, yum! For Quickfire challenge, the cheftestants could choose from an array from chili peppers from the mild poblano to the nuclear fire of the ghost chili & create a tasty dish. The hotter the chili the more money it's worth to the winning dish PLUS immunity. Sucking it were Beverly because she didn't cook anything (chopped chilies w/ dressing is a salad for fuck's sake!), Richie's not hot scallop & Chuy's tinned tomato overload. Winning the ducats and immunity was Paul and his ghost chili chilled coconut soup. Super yum!

For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants were randomly split into 5 teams of three *slams head into wall* for a chili cook off for 200 guests at the rodeo. The guests chose the winning team while the judges had the nasty task of giving someone the boot. As a twist, there was no time limit, the cheftestants were allowed to stay up all night if they wanted to. And they all did....which I don't entirely understand because once the meat and the veggies are in the pot yr done cooking....but what do I know, I'm not a professional cheftestant. Also, none of the chilis contained beans of any sort. It's a Texas thing, no beans in the chili. Boo! The beans are the best part.

The winning team was Chiclets teeth Chris, blowhard Sarah & Chuy's chili con carne w/ roasted corn garnish. Honestly, I don't think the judges would have chosen this chili because of the thin texture & lack of dunking implement.

Losing team was Nyesha, Richie & Beverly's too sweet chili mole...though their cornbread got rave reviews. AGAIN a twist: the three losers had to cook head to head...to head using their failed chili and make a great new dish. In the end, Richie made a bad plate of food, cried like a little girl w/ a skinned knee and was gently comforted by hair accessory Chris.

Hmm chili!

There's a Snake in my Boot

Back in the saddle w/ the first real episode of Top Chef!

For the Quickfire, the cheftestants had to prepare a dish using rattlesnake. Hm, no sir! Rattlesnake sounds so unappetizing. And thankfully, the snakes were already dead & I was spared watching the cheftestants bash in rattlesnake brains. Sucking it hardcore were Paul's non-existent snake peach BBQ boringness, Richie's overly jerked snake & Nyesha's chewy snake poo. Winning the Quickfire and immunity was Dakota's beer battered tempura. I'm kinda digging the tattooed lady that is Dakota.

For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants were split into two teams (GRR! ARGH!) to cater a quincenera for a very sweet 15 y/o girl. She got peppered w/ questions: so far, so good for the cheftestants. Then it all went to shit for the Pink Team! First, Keith decided it would be far more economical to buy pre-cooked shrimp.........ummmm, what? Not so much. Then nothing but packaged tortillas as far the eye could see. Really?! In a cooking competition? Disappointing! Needless to say they lost to the Green Team, though no cheftestant was singled out for being a super duper winner. And packing it up was Keith and his completely soggy enchiladas.

I wish Blanca the 15 y/o would be a judge every week, Hugh A. gives me the creeps!

Bubble Boy

Top Chef recap time!

Again we were forced to watch the whittling down for the final 16 cheftestants. Wake when it's over! Grr....grumble grumble!

Anyways, the remaining 10 hopefuls gathered around some proteins & a cloche (the silver dome thing that covers room service food). Picking, choosing, blah blah blah. And....underneath the cloche was a time pre-set to a time that the hopefuls had to abide by. Winners, losers, bubbles.

Then the bubblers had to square off for the final two cheftestant spots. To me the bubblers had it easy, they could make whatever they wanted. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Two peeps got through. And apparently, later on Bravo, Chef Tom had another showdown w/ the discarded hopefuls for one more spot on Top Chef. I have no idea who it is.....so 17 cheftestants then, I guess?

Next week we will have a real episode.

Psyche Out!

Top Chef has started back up again!

This time around the cheftestants will be cooking all around the great state of Texas. And HOLY COW, there are 29 cheftestants! That seems a bit excessive & ponderous. But there was a twist! The cheftestants are exactly on the show, instead, they must cook for a spot. I think this premises is incredibly stupid. I don't want to watch a bunch of auditions, I want to watch a competition.

For the first round of cuts (silly cooking pun intended), some of the cheftestants had to cook a part of a pig. A cut of pork per cheftestants. HOWEVER, some of the cuts were adjacent to each other and required butchering. Which lead us to our first elimination, Stone....Chef Tyler Stone. A ridiculous man w/ overly plucked eyebrows whom hacked up a delicious side o' pork, leaving one poor cheftestant w/ exactly 3 ounces of tenderloin. They didn't taste his food! Then Colin the vegan, who has cooked meat in over 7 years, got rejected at judges table because his plate already looked like it was chewed up and spit out. The judges are not fucking around this year!

AND then another twist, instead of a simple in or out determination, there was a 3rd option: the bubble. If a cheftestant ends up in the bubble, then have to make yet another dish to stay in the competition.

The next round of hopefuls were shown a bevy of proteins but they all had to agree to use just one.....rabbit. No more on the spot eliminations, sadly.

And that was it: we have cheftestants, bubblers & one more group yet to cook. I found this episode completely unnecessary.

Hope this season gets better.

Sugar Coma

Finale of Top Chef: Just Desserts season 2.

Boring boring.......Chris won....boring boring

A very underwhelming season to say the least. I think the problem is there's only so much you can do w/ pastries and desserts.

Top Chef: Texas starts tonight, hope it's better than DC was.

Bon appetit!

Faking Fakers

I all snuggled to watch Top Chef:Just Desserts last week. Down to the final four. No Quickfire! Straight to the Elimination Challenge, make an awesome dessert that looks like savoury food. I feel asleep! Pretty indicative of how I felt about this season. Sally won, BOO! Orlando finally went home.

One more episode to go! Then next week Top Chef: Texas......29 cheftestants.....29! DEAR LORD, SAVE ME!

Where's the Kool Aid?

Time another action packed Top Chef: Just Desserts recap!

Sally is the only girl left which really blows because I despise her.

For the Quickfire Challenge, the cheftestants were greeted by the world famous dessert chef Monsieur Payard and had to make the perfect pie....w/ one arm tied behind their backs. Cutie Pie DQ'd himself by accidentally touching his ramkin w/ two hands, WHOMP WHOMP! On the bottom were Sally's too tart plum & strawberry and chocolate poop mess & Chris' over creamed banana cream pie. Blech! I hate banana cream, the texture is all poopified or something. Three-peat QF champion is Carlos' quadruple berry pie.

For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants had to take lowly carnival treats and transform them into elegant desserts. What fun! Funnel cake, caramel apples, frozen bananas, ice cream sandwiches. Woo hoo! My kind of challenge. And on the road of redemption was Cutie Pie and his fried apple pie w/ apple "carpaccio" & vanilla ice cream. I've come to the conclusion that all fruit should be fried. And going home was the ever playful Carlos and his macaroon "hamburger" & churros "fries" a great idea but poorly executed.

As much as I love Top Chef, I really want this season to be over.

Chocolate Love

*sigh* Top Chef: Just Desserts, what am I going to do w/ you?

For the Quickfire Challenge, the cheftestants had to make the perfect doughnut......AND one cheftestant would be getting the boot for the worst dessert. FOOD FLURRY! Carlos, however, had the best doughnut, orange and lemon fried dough balls filled w/ passion fruit cream, & won 10 g's as well. The worst 3 were Megan and her fucked up icing, Matthew's dry cake & Orlando's lack of cardamom. I wanted in the worst way for Orlando to go finally go home. Especially since he decided to pick a fight w/ Chef Hot Pants (Johnny Iuzinni). But alas, Megan was chopped, leaving Katzie to be fed to the wolves.

For the Elimination Challenge, had to work in two teams (boooooring) of three to create 3 chocolate desserts & a chocolate show piece. Each team got to judge each other's work. Team Suck Ass: Orlando, Sally & Carlos. Team Cutie Pie: Chris, Matthew & Katzie. Personally, I think that's inane because I don't think they judged the desserts fairly. But this did shed some light as to why Orlando is still in the game.......he's apparently some sort of show piece artiste.

As predicted, Orlando blathered on & on about how Team Cutie Pie sucked donkey balls. Sadly, they did lose to Team Suck Ass & Katzie was put out of her misery. I say shenanigans!

No Restaurant Wars this season?

Intergalatic Planetary

Top Chef recap time!

Katzie and Sally hate it each other. If you want to play a fun drinking game, take a shot every time they roll their eyes at each other.

For the Quickfire Challenge, the cheftestants had to make a dessert out of a root vegetable. They had kick it root down if you know what I'm saying. Sucking it hard were Rebecca and her over cooked French fries w/ chocolate and Carlos' nasty celery root and peanut butter pudding. And winning immunity was Sally's mango pudding w/ tumeric and spiced popcorn. That's kinda awesome actually....but I still immensely dislike Sally!

For the Elimination Challenge, the Beastie Boys' Ad Rock is in the house! The cheftestants had to pick foods mentioned in Beastie Boys lyrics. None of the food was dessert, all savoury. After each cheftestant chose their grub, they had to chose one more item for a fellow contestant. A sabotage if you will. I don't envy the chestestants at all...how can you make canned ravioli into a dessert?

And in case you guys need a reason to hate Sally, she's a close a personal friend of Top Chef's Season Two resident asshole Marcel. Do I really need to say anymore?

I am also of the opinion that Orlando sucks monkey balls. He had the easiest foods to turn into dessert: rum, coffee n' cream, and peas. But that sneaky little bitch used store bought cookies. Seriously?! Store bought? I would have sent him home but that honour went to Rebecca and her nasty falafal panna cotta. Goodbye, Rebecca, you've kinda sucked for a while now.

Cutie Pie Matthew won w/ his cornbread and mashed potato cheesecake & gravy foam. If knew it was gonna be that kind of party, I would stuck my dick in the mashed potatoes!

By the by, Mike D is way cuter than Ad Rock....I'm Mike D back from the dead. Chillin' on beach down in Club Med.

Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker

Top Chef recap time!

For the Quickfire Challenge, the cheftestants had to make a fun & bold candy bar. This means you they needed to re-imagine Charleston Chew, not make a Charelston Chew. By the by, those suckers taste better frozen! On the bottom tier, Cutie Pie Matthew and his unfinished hazel nut praline orange vanilla chocolate (gee whiz! No wonder he didn't finish! Too many things going on for a candy bar) and Katzie's banana curd (ick!) jasmine ganache & dark chocolate "mess on a stick". And winning it was Sally's peanut butter, chocolate, chocolate nibs, & chocolate ganache. Sally won immunity and Katzie's jealousy. Yeah, Sally how dare you try to win by using ingredients that the judges enjoy to eat! You, bitch!

For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants participated in YET ANOTHER team challenge. Enough already w/ the team challenges! It's making very hard for me to distinguish the cheftestants. Anyways, the cheftestants were in teams and making cool & refreshing desserts for families at a water park. Fun times! Gimme a lemon ice. The winning team was Katzie, Megan & Rebecca. And Katzie being the ultra-mega winner w/ her baked Alaska spumoni on a stick. Hell to the yes! And packing it up was Amanda (who?) and her hockey puck funnel cakes. At least you'll always have Mother Russia.

Yet another middle of the packer bites the dust. SB is totally overwhelmed by this season & I must admit no one is REALLY standing out for me.

We are the Music Makers & we are the Dreamers of Dreams

Oompa doompa doopity do, time for another Top Chef: Just Desserts recap for you!

There was no Quickfire Challenge this week & were treated to a special viewing of the "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory". Though Cutie Matthew wanted to be prepared just in case and saved his popcorn and red licorice. On a personal note, "Wonka" is one of my all time favourite movies ever in the history of film! It's in my top three w/ "Pulp Fiction" and "Breakfast at Tiffany's".

And SURPRISE! 4 out of the 5 Golden Ticket child actors were in the audience w/ the cheftestants. No Augustus Gloop....maybe he died from eating too much strudel. And this week's Elimination Challenge is to make an edible room ala the "Pure Imagination" scene from "Wonka". I was hoping that a cheftestant would make an edible daffodil like Gene Wilder chowed down on in the movie. But no such luck.

Though this wasn't a group challenge, the cheftestants had to work cohesively to achieve the grandeur of the edible room. ANOTHER TWIST, double elimination this round. And packing it up were Craig, FINALLY. He attempted to make large gummy bears but they clumped and plopped and looked poopy. And Cranky Ass Melissa for her disgusting green doughnuts. The big winner of the challenge was Katzie, HURRAY! She made this incredible "carrot" patch. You had to dig through "dirt" to under a chocolate carrot. Plus, she made a cake beehive w/ actual honey you could pump out of it. Creative and tasty!

Possibly the best Top Chef episode ever! "Violet! Yr turning violet, Violet!"

Pump w/ Me

Get yrself a shot of insulin, it's Top Chef recap time!

For the Quickfire Challenge, the cheftestants were greeted by former Top Chef Masters & homicidal maniac Hugh Acheson & had to make a dessert whose flavours would make a new & great flavour for Extra chewing gum. In addition, the winning cheftestant would get 25 g's and their tasty dessert as a new gum flavour. I just wrote the word flavour a whole mess o' times! Sucking it were Rebecca (WHO?) & her lackluster pannacotta, Cranky Pants Melissa & her coffee/banana/passionfruit pile of poop and Cutey Matthew's oatmeal raisin cookie. Damn, I hate oatmeal raisin! The winner was Craig's breakfast for dessert pancakes.....seriously? Pancake gum? Blllllaaaahhhhhh....

For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants were once again divided into two groups. Enough w/ the group challenges!!! This time they had to cater a tea party for some botoxed rich bitch named Lisa Van Der Pump, she's flat out gross. Fortunately, every cheftestant I like was on the winning team. And packing it up was Nelson and his oversized cotton candy crap on a stick.

Post viewing thoughts: Melissa was picked last again & yet she can't seem to figure out why. Perhaps it's because yr an ego-centric argumentative bitch? Orlando is now out of the closet w/ his asshatery.

Sour Patch Kids

Top Chef recap time, kids!

For the Quickfire Challenge, the cheftestants had to make a fun innovative dessert showcasing the lemon. I love lemon desserts! Love love love them! My birthday is next month & Baker Mom is whipping up some lemon tarts for me. October 21st, don't forget! Anyways, Pouty Pants Award goes to Orlando because apparently, taste is not personal. What a brat! And, FYI Orlando, lemon & chocolate taste super shitty together. The winner was the cutie Matthew (and, along w/ Katzie, are becoming my personal faves in this competition) w/ his lemon vanilla creme w/ mint puree and hazelnut sable. Um...WOW!

For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants were broken into teams AGAIN. Have I mentioned how much I dislike team challenges. Harumph! But I digress. The cheftestants had to make have to make a fancy cake to serve to 150 guests at the Disney Concert Hall's opening night. Each chefestant is responsible for their own layer of cake. Think extra fancy and decadent. Top Chef, please, you had me at cake. And Team Cutie Matthew wins! Though, they felt Matthew's cake was the least pleasing as it was too dense. Melissa the "see you next Tuesday" was recognized for her cardamom concoction. Word o' advice, Melissa. Stop being such a jerk! And packing it up was Van and his boring caramel pistachio dry mess.

Hmmm.....cake.

Once Upon a Sugar Coma

Wellity wellity wellity well well.....Top Chef: Just Desserts is back and it's bitchier than ever!

Lots of really arrogant rude pastry chefs this season. Get over yrselves!

And we jump right into a Quickfire Challenge. SIGH! For some unearthly reason, it was decided that each cheftestant needed to work in pairs. Why? Well at least we know who's going to be home w/in the 1st few episodes. Anyways, Gail & the gorgeous sexy amazing Johnny Iuzzini were at Ye Olde Sody Shoppe to judge the cheftestants elevated soda fountain traditional desserts. Sucking it were Oliver and Megan's not edgy enough banana split, team drama queens Craig and Lina's poopy not so Elvis raspberry crispie thing. And the wieners were Amanda & Nelson's pickled cherries and chocolate sponge cake...YUM.

For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants were randomly assigned to groups (AGAIN?!) to create two desserts & show piece w/ a fairy tale theme. As Amanda & Nelson won the Quickfire, they chose which group they wanted to work w/. The losers were Jack & the Beanstalk....Craig, you are a novice. If you don't know what yr doing, don't pretend that you do. Their show piece was a one dimensional ugly mess. AND also bringing up the rear was Hansel & Gretel. Hansel & Gretel!? Are you fucking kidding me?! They had the easiest one. What's his face (can't remember his name, oops) made a crap w/ pineapple. Pineapple is indigenous German forests obviously. But the biggest mistake was the show piece debacle. Lina insisted that it would too literal to have a gingerbread house in it. Dumbass. However, her teammate Melissa is a passive aggressive snot. Lina's crap cake sent her home.

Coming out on top for the 1st go around were Team Red Riding Hood....yummy sounding treats and a beautiful beautiful show piece.

Overall, great challenges but the cheftestants are meh. All kinda of blendy at this point.

Top of the Tops

It was pretty much a foregone conclusion who would win the title of Top Chef, I think it was an incredible disservice that Antonia got the boot last time because then it would have been a closer race.

As per usual, the final two cheftestants got to chose 3 sous chefs to assist in their final meal. They did a blind taste test of small bites. I thought that was wicked cool, a way to pick fairly w/out sexist bias. Blais ended up w/ Spike (BOO!), Angelo (YUCK!) and Antonia (HURRAY!) while Fathead got Tiffani (WOO HOO!), Jamie (HA! HA!) & Carla (meh) on his team.

I got to be honest w/ you, I tuned out most of this episode.

And Blais wins.

Nearly There

A day late for the Top Chef recap.

The final three: Antonia, Blais & Fathead. One of these things is not like the others. Can you guess?

I loved loved loved this Quickfire Challenge: the chefestants had to assign each other a quickfire twist from seasons past. God I love how these cheftestants try to fuck each other over! Fathead assigned Antonia the using only canned and dried foods dish, Antonia gave Blais the make a hot dog dish & Blais chose the one pot dish for Fathead. All was well until Padma came prancing back to the kitchen...one more twist! The cheftestants chose in reverse order and Blais had to cook one handed, Fathead could not use any utensils and Antonia had to cook Siamese twin style tied to recently booted chef Carla. Antonia came up w/ a curry coconut soup w/ canned shrimps & sausage, Blais made a Thai seasoned hot dog & Fathead had a braised pork shoulder and cabbage salad. All these dishes had issues but someone Fathead won. GRRR! No!

For the Elimination Challenge, they brought back another of my faves: cook a guest judges' last meal. As Fathead won the Quickfire, he got the privilege of assigning the guest judges to each of the cheftestants. Fathead chose Michelle Bernstein, Blais got Wolfgang Puck & Antonia was paired w/ IRON CHEF Morimoto (squee!). Poor Antonia, I'm sure you all can see where this is going. Blais won w/ his spin on Wolfgang Puck's favourite last meal of spaetzle and strudel. Hmm mmm! I love spaetzle! Wolff's Biergarten puts gravey on their spaetzle, so delicious! Fathead failed to make Michelle Bernstein's request of fried chicken crispy. And Antonia could bring it home w/ the miso soup, white rice & sushi at Morimoto's behest.

Aha! But there was yet another TWIST! The bottom two of Fathead & Antonia had to go head to head in making a single bite of food to determine who will get to the finale. Now here is where I had a problem w/ the show. If they were planning this the whole time, then they could served poop on plate for the Elimination. Anyways, going on to fight for the title of Top Chef was Fathead.

NOOOOO!!!! Sexist bullshit!

I've got the Conch

Sorry for the lateness of my Top Chef recap....I've been in a lazy funk.

For the Quickfire Challenge, the cheftestants were paired off in teams of two. Of course, the boys and girls were paired off w/ each other. Really sick of the sexism on this stupid show! Anyways, the teams had to make 50 dishes that looked and tasted exactly alike. The boys made pasta w/ pork Bolognese & the girls made a beef tenderloin over salad. And the girls won 50 g's! And of course Fathead was completely sour grapes about the whole thing.

For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants had to make an upscale dish for a private party that must include conch. Here's the kicker: they had to go diving in the ocean for their own conch. I would love love love to do that! It looked amazing. The shitty part was the cheftestants had to cook on open grills. Whomp whomp! And Fathead won w/ his banana leaf wrapped grouper w/ pineapple & conch vinaigrette. Say what?! How is grouper a conch? Shouldn't the conch been the start of the show? Blergh! And packing it up was Tiffany and her cold chowder.

Home stretch!

It's Getting Hot in Here

It's Top Chef recap time!

Some time has passed since we last saw the cheftestants, Blais grew a douchy beard. He looks like a molting werewolf.

Anyways...for the Quickfire, the judges are assigned a protein and had to cook head to head w/ the chef that won their season. Which means Antonia & Blais had to double up w/ the lovely and talented Stephanie Izard. Love her! Oh my geezers, Hosea looked absolutely gorgeous!!! Surprisingly FatHead won against Mike Volt, SAY WHAT?, and won the Quickfire over Blais. I'm really scratching my head over that one.

For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants had to cook for Bahamanian royalty. And I thought to myself, "There's a king of the Bahamas? That doesn't sound right." Turns out, it was a figure of speech. It was just a dude that has been dubbed the King of Parties. Whilst, cooking away in the kitchen one of the fryalators caught on serious fire. This would have thrown off my game & such was the case w/ poor Antonia. Yes, all three gal cheftestants ended up on the chopping block. Pun intended. And Carla was sent home. I've never been a big fan of hers but, fuck, don't ever serve raw pork to anyone at any time. And winner was FatHead. Are you kidding me?! Blech...

Is it almost over yet?