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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Mirror, Mirror

As I mentioned in a previous post, SexyBeast and I got into a fight over my poor self image.

Hmmmmmm..... I guess I'll start at the beginning. I was never a skinny kid, not fat but average. My mother has been every diet in the history of man. When I was 12, I was universally hated by every kid in my class. I ate 'cause I was lonely and was picked on constantly. Uh oh. I was a chubbo until I was 17. Even though I was smoking pot, I wasn't heavy. Then I played the yo yo game of gaining and losing. After I graduated from college it all went down hill. I only left my apartment to go to work and buy food. I was fat and disgusting. I cried alot. I moved to NH and went on Weight Watchers and I got thinner. I was happy but insecure and needy. I got treated like crap from many many men. I got fat again but I couldn't face it. I moved back to NY, I got thinner. I met SexyBeast and I've been struggling to stay thin.

He loves me. He thinks I'm the most beautiful creature he's ever seen. He constantly reassuring me I look great. I'm angry, can't he tell my I have a major muffin top or sometimes my double chin comes out to play? I'm constantly critical of every single photo taken of myself. Is that really what I look like? I hate the way my eyes squinch up when I smile. I hate my broad man shoulders.

I work out 3 times a week. I eat a well balanced meals. But then again I drink alot of alcohol. I don't care about portion sizes when SexyBeast cooks for me.

I don't have anything to add. I feel wasted.

7 comments:

Leslie said...

:(

If it helps at all, I think everyone on the planet has these kinds of feelings. I don't really have any words of wisdom for you, but I can offer a virtual hug.

(((((hugs)))))))

phairhead said...

i needed that. thanks : )

Heather said...

G and I have that fight all the time. I'll always feel fat & sloppy, but it's nice to have that person behind you telling you how beautiful you are.

FWIW, I think you're gorgeous as well. Though I know the weight worries as well.

I'm jealous of how healthy you guys seemed to eat, though!

I guess I don't have anything important to add to this, just to say that I think it's a typical situation.

Albany Jane said...

Oh, I hate those moods. FWIW, Albany John's just adopted an attitude of "...ok. Any way - " whenever I get mopey about stuff like that. It kind of helps me not obsess over stuff like that and makes everything seem less like a big deal.

And of course a gigantic e-hug!!

Smirking Cat said...

I think everyone, especially women, feel that way sometimes. I snap out of it by reminding myself that our woman-hating culture WANTS me to feel that way so I don't apply my intellectual energy to anything but trying to be thin and pretty.

I have broad shoulders too. It makes it hard to buy suit jackets, but it looks kick-ass in a halter-style top.

phairhead said...

thanks SC! agreed about having to live up to an impossible standard to beauty.

Anonymous said...

It IS really hard to feel good about oneself in this society, when we're bombarded with messages that thinner is better and one's looks are all that matter. As someone who had EXACTLY the same experience (it was like reading my own diary), and then experienced a lot of health problems, I can honestly say that I wish I wasted less time hating myself and spent more appreciating my amazing healthy body when it was healthy,and realizing that life is a lot more than how I looked. And-hang in there--things that seem huge when you're young become less stressful when you get older. Hugs all around!