Bite Me!

I'm a little behind in my Top Model recapping duties this week. My apologies, peeps!

And apparently, Brenda's hair wasn't edgy enough. So celebrity hair stylist, Sally Hershberger, cut Brenda's hair w/ a woodchipper into a Mohawk, sorta. Meh.

Now, again, you must forgive me because I was preparing dinner during the challenge. There was crappy Covergirl makeup involved in it.

For the weekly photo shoot, the hamsters had to pose as vampires in a bathtub of blood w/ a very cute, male model. He seemed very mod, it was hot. And, aw c'mon, Alascia for a second week in a row has best picture. Uh nuh, I don't get it. Not at all. And packing it up was Simone for being too stiff. Rats! She was gorgeous. Oh well.

Jessie's Girl

Sorry Lion, still recapping Top Chef ; )

And it's the French episode! For the Quickfire, the cheftestants had to create a dish of escargots (snails or cockles if yr British) for this week's guest judge Daniel Boulud. The winner was the bearded Kevin and his escargot fricassee with mushrooms, Brussels sprouts, and candied bacon jam. But damn that looked looked a plate of grossness. And for winning he got to sit out this round of the Elimination Challenge. And there was a twist! The three worst cheftestants had to go to Sudden Deathround because somebody was getting the boot. And unfortunately, Lady Luck was no longer smiling upon Jessie, she made yucky snails and her her sudden death amuse bouche had no seasoning. Famous last words "Hopefully everyone knows, I don't really suck." Sad for me because now I have no one I'm really rooting for. Well, at least Mattin looked hot in his underwear and Kevin doesn't seem like a bad egg.

For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants chose from the Knife Block o' Doom! Some cheftestants got classic French proteins (read: animals) and others got classic French sauces. And everyone paired up accordingly. However for the judging, they picked a sole winner, instead of a duo win. And the big winner was Bryan for making some kickass trout and his partner Mike I (the lame-o) looks on w/ his deconstructed Bernaise. And also going home was Hector because he didn't know how to cut and cook Chateaubriand.

Adios, Hector. Lo Siento Lydia.

And the Loser is......

Well the last episode of America's Next Top Model has finally aired. The good, the bad and the not so attractive.

We are down to the final 3. Sam, the ham, cute and commercial and ever so annoying. Annaleigh, cute, commercial and boring. McKey, stunningly beautiful and not that annoying or boring. McKey has been a favourite since day one.

There are no more challenges. We dive right into the requisite Cover Girl commercial and photo shoot for some new crappy Cover Girl lip gloss. It's basically just public humiliation for the chicks seeing as how they can't really act. The photos were OK, nothing really to be amazed at. That's my own personal belief, I prefer weird artsy shit. McKey is called first and Annaleigh goes home.

Then the weird, wonderful fashion show. Every year the producers of Top Model try to get the 2 finalists to fall on the runway. This year the runway is made out of pink Nerf and they have to run up a hill. Strains of Kate Bush are humming in my ears.

McKey had the better walk and thus is this season's winner. Last time they picked a winner that I adored, she ended up in the gutter looking like..... well gutter trash.

Top Chef will be taking over my Wednesday posts. And Top Model will be back in March '09. You better work, bitches!

Sacre Bleu!

Top Model recap, only one more epi to go.

This week the lesson/challenge was about emoting w/out speaking. Actually a valuable lesson when yr a print model. Much more useful than the stupid makeup challenges. Honestly, when would a model ever have to do her own makeup..... in a speeding car...... in under 10 minutes. I'm just sayin'. The chicks were in a "commercial" in which they had to run on a tread mill make eye contact w/ a male model who is in a "cab" and smooch him passionately on the lips. Marjorie, my lovely lady, won for being the most natural.

Then she boozed it up w/ some Dutch boys and jumped into the hot tub fully clothed. It was no season 2 Shandi "YOU HAD SEX!" but still entertaining.

This week's photo shoot had the chicks dolled up in couture avantgard pieces posing in front of traditional Dutch windmills. This week's wiener was Annaleigh, meh. And going home was Marjorie. WHAT? NOOOOOO!!!! I adored her. My only consolation is the fact that winning Top Model is mostly a joke and hinders a chick if she wants to legitimately model.

Final 3 final epi. My prediction: Annaleigh. Wholesome, can act, a dummy. It's all good.

Go and See

Well my friends, Top Model is coming to a swift end and to fill that void I will recapping Top Chef on Wednesdays. I'm crazy about tops I guess.

This week the chicks had to travel by river canoe type things and navigate the streets of Amsterdam to go on "go sees" with a time limit. Poor Marjorie, she got confused and cried. Then there was the usual bitchiness 'cause Mackey would have been the winner but she was 5 minutes late, so Annaleigh won instead. Ladies, word o' advice, "let it go".

This week's photo shoot was Tyra Banks' trying to prove to the world that she can do other stuff than model. She was the photographer for the shoot and the theme was one natural look and one over the top makeup side by side kinda thing all in black and white. Honestly, it was a kool idea.

The big wiener was Sam the Ham. And to totally sound like teenage girl from 2004 "I am so over Sam". Seriously, I don't see what the big deal is, she's just kinda meh. And going home was Elina, 'cause she's overly tattooed and uptight.

Oohh, down to the Final Four!

Weird Vagina Shaving Party

It's ANTM recap time!

Lots o' action in this epi. The chicks first challenge was to split into 3 teams of 2 and navigate their way from the airport in Amsterdam to their new digs. Winning team will win 50 extra frames at the photo shoot. Elina (sorta yeah) and Sam the ham won. Let me tell in 1990's slang they are living in a pretty phat pad.

Then there was this weird tension in the house 'cause 3 of the hamsters all hopped in the tub together. And the other 3 bitches were all "whoa! that's strange." and complaining that the revelers were too loud. Did anybody say "Hey pipe down in the bathtub!"? Nope, they would rather be catty and passive aggressive.

Surprise! Another challenge. Again split into 3 teams of 2, the chicks were posing in couture clothes from Dutch designers in "red light" district windows. It was really neat. I'm kinda obsessed with going to Amsterdam to check out the "red light" district and the sex museum and all that other kinky shit. Someday, readers, someday. Mackey, whom I normally love but was being a total asshat in this episode, and Sam the ham won.

This week's photo shoot had the ladies posing on a boat. Top photo went to Mackey. I still say Hurray 'cause she's unusually beautiful and has wicked cool S&M medieval faire jewelry. Going back to the States was Sheena, the Japanese/Korean American wannabe Kimora Lee Simmons. I won't miss her, she was really annoying.

Next week: go-sees!

ARGH!!!

I just finished typing a most perfect post and for some goddamned reason I got an error message when it was supposed to publish. FFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK!!!!!!!

OK, as most of you noticed I did not recap Top Model last week. The episode for Oct. 15th was a recap, show boring bits that we didn't air and filler crapfest. What's the point in recapping a recap. That's an oxymoron on par with military intelligence.

This week heralded the return of the Aswirl Twins, 2 African American dandies that teach...... ummm..... swirling I guess. It's all very confusing and over the top. And there was the crazy ass challenge. The chicks were in a blue screen fashion show, so only the garments and accessories appeared on stage, bizarro. Elina won, and as there so few hamsters left and Elina isn't a total illiterate dumbass, I can say half-heartedly "good for you, Elina" and sorta mean it.

There was no photo shoot for the week. Instead I had to suffer through the hawking of the nasty ass Covergirl products. And the girls show off how they can't act in a commercial. I fastforwarded through most of the inanity.

The big wiener of the week was Annaleigh. Meh, she's pretty average in every way. And Jocelyn was given da boot for sucking for many weeks now.

Next week, the bitches are off to Amsterdam, Holland.

You Like me! You Really Like me!

Happy ANTM recap day!

Lots o' trash talking this episode. Ladies, a word of advice, let go the bitchiness.

Tyra lead the girls in a lesson/surprise challenge. The chicks had to create a signature pose. My tres belle Marjorie won with her Hunchback of Notre Dame stance. She won a most excellent prize of diamond jewelry. Magnifique!

Then the very funny photo shoot. The hamster were recreating cliched moments at award shows. The top photo went to Marjorie. Hurray, she's my fave! She had a turban on like some 1970's hot mama and trying to take a leak but she can't get out of her dress. The big loser was Lauren Brie. Bland, blonde and boring. As I predicted, she has been cast aside.

Until next week...

Ding-Dong the Bitch is Dead

ANTM recap time.

This week's lesson was about getting catalogue clothes to look good. My buddy Mackey was the winner. She's so adorable and weird.

Then everyone decided to pick on Marjorie 'cause "she's so negative". No dumbasses, she's French and a realist.

Anyway, it was a pretty awesome photo shoot. The chicks were portraying natural disasters while dressed in mod 1960's style. I love love love that fashion period. Almost decided to use that as my Halloween costume. But I'm poor, so I'm fashioning an outfit from stuff I already have, I'm going as a lusty wench to my sexy beast's pirate.

Sam the Ham got best photo of the week for her rendition of a tidal wave. She's model material as long as she doesn't open her idiotic mouth. Finally Clark the bitchface was shit canned. PAR-TAY!

Stay tuned for more insanity.

Work it like the Rent is Due!

Wed recap day!

Episode 4 is usually dedicated to teaching the hamsters how to perfect their runway walks. It's always hilarious and this episode did not disappoint!

The challenge was to walk in an actual fashion show by this really scary dude w/ a chemo therapy haircut. (Seriously who's gonna go their hair stylist and say "Just shave off wherever. Don't worry about making it look even. I wanna look like I escaped from a mental institution.") First ever elimination before judging! Hannah was kicked to the curb for her atrocious wind up doll on speed Gestapo agent walk. The winner was Joselyn, who sorta kinda reminds me of Season 6 winner Danielle.

Onto the photo shoot which was inspired by Tyra Banks's wanna be avantguarde imagination. The chicks had to pose in a jacuzzi with just their eyes and nose exposed. Whatever.

During judging Tyra announced someone else would be getting their walking papers. Wowie wow double elimination! The best of the bunch was douche bag Clark. Ugh I hate her, she's merely conventionally attractive and such an asshole. And our tranny-licious season is over as Isis tossed out of the competition.

And the group is getting smaller. More insanity next week.

Don't Make me Under

Wed= Top Model recap! woo to the hoo.

Week three is generally my fave as it's makeover week. This season had a twist, the contestants did not know what kind of hair cut they would be receiving and all the mirrors in the salon were covered up and/or removed. Marjorie, Mackey and Samantha all turned out fab. However, Elina the bisexual, black pants wearing, Angelina Jolie worshiping, (Really? that's yr idol? ooooookkkkkkkk) pseudo intellectual turkey brain got a horrible horrible curly red weave. She looks like the love child of Farrah Fawcett and Ronald McDonald.

For the challenge, the chicks had to embarrass themselves by making a mock 30 second improvised Cover Girl commercial. Again I praise the gods of Tivo. Hannah won because of her "aw shucks" cuteness.

This weeks photo shoot was the hamsters posing in bathing suits w/out the help of the tanned piece of luggage, I mean Jay Manual photo stylist or something. The dude is orange, I cannot concentrate when he's on screen. Anyway! Assisting this week was Susan Whatsherface, retired model and "designer". She did little in helping the girls perform better. Best of the week was Elina, who totally lied and said she was embracing her new look. I disagree, but what the hell do I know, I'm 15 lbs overweight and barely 5'1". Sent packing was Britney because she was pretty and not edgy. Fickle gods of fate!

Hmmmm..... dripping in sarcasm, that's the charm of me.

The Ladder to Nowhere

It's Wednesday, time for Top Model recap!

Self edit: my mistake folks, this year there is a twist, there are 14 "chosen ones". Not 13 as I had originally posted.

This week, there was weird ass "yr a racist, no I'm not" argument. blahblahblah who cares? Benny Ninja, of the House of Ninja (see Paris is Burning to understand), taught the ladies about extreme posing. They had a pose off, of which I did not watch (ah! the wonders of Tivo, sorry but I couldn't sit through that humiliation) and Elina was the wiener. whoopee do.

The photo shoot (yay!) had the chicks dressed in couture gowns posing on a ladder, which was later CGI'd onto a hot air balloon. There were good times and lame times.

*drum roll* The top photo for the week belongs to...... Lauren Brie. huh? who? LB is a blonde bland face in the crowd. And going home is Nikeysha the blabbermouth, seriously that chick couldn't stop talking.

All in all, a so-so episode. 12 plastic broads remain!